Who am I , again?

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#1 Oct 4 - 1PM
almostfound
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Who am I , again?

Hello All,
I have not shared my story and yet, reading many of your stories, I don't know what I can add that isn't different from mine. It's all the same: devastation, disbelief, devalued and discard. My life was twisted and turned upside down 3-times and back. Yet, I had the strength to reach for help, to ask questions...WTF HAPPENED?! How did i allow myself to be taken by such an unsavory person....no money, no looks, no 'working' penis. I am at a loss....WTF HAPPENED?!?

I was so grateful to find this place and feel relief about the possibility of returning to myself.

I can say this: i miss him, the idea of him, because the 'him' i miss was never real. I can say this: I am empty and trying to refill my life. I can say this: figuring out who I am now vs. who i was is unbelievably hard! My talents, my drives, my hobbies, my goals.....trying to rediscover myself again. What is apparent are all my insecurities. EVERY SINGLE ONE. I fight everyday to make sure I understand that they are not who I was before and now.

The good news is, the whole in my head seems to be gone. I actually felt i had a whole right in the middle of my head, between my eyes. It was empty and tender there to touch. I was a shell. I walked in darkness...now there is light. I think I am filling back up again. In little places, but with myself.

It has been 4 months since the end, I still receive crazy emails from strange accounts ( I know it is him), they say things like TWAT and control freak...what have I let into my life...why must he still bother me?!?

Almost

Oct 4 - 8PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

They will suck suck suck suck

They will suck suck suck suck suck suck suck us dry. And then suck some more. And then walk straight away, looking for something else to suck. Coming back they do just to check and see if the well of souls has accumulated some moisture since the last visitation. They lie, cheat, manipulate and steal. What they give is an illusion, actually created by us from our own minds. Amazing really when you think about it. You will find all the talents and treasures within still available to you. And you will discover new abilities and desires. It is awesome the feeling of when the power and inner resources come online again. What a ride, what a ride. Vigilance is paramount, however. Narcs are disordered, and they can smell fresh rejuvenated supply. A new game for them, as they know not of the devastation, but only of the fresh possibilites... ds
Oct 5 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
really
really's picture

Perfect account of the highs

Perfect account of the highs and lows. Just wow...
Oct 4 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

The idealization stage is

The idealization stage is for the psychopath to make his assessment of your needs likes and dreams!! The rest ( devalue & discard) comes next! It's fun for a whack job!! The only thing these loser have going for them is their means to manipulate! Now it's time reevaluate who you are!! NC , reading , and thearpy is the receipe to success!! Welcome to Narcville Hunter
Oct 4 - 2PM
really
really's picture

I can relate to the imagery

I can relate to the imagery of the hole in the middle of your head, empty and tender. For me, it was like when you move a pile of rocks and there are little whitish yellow growths underneath them. And those would-be plants now have a chance to get sun and water and grow like they always should have. For me, it's two years later and I still miss the idea of him. But, it does get easier and there are good things and good people who are more worthy of our involvement.
Oct 4 - 1PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Almost, strongheart, welcome

to this community of learning, sharing, wisdom, humor and hope. You are doing very well! Four months NC is outstanding. Forget about the emails. Don't look. It matters not anyhow. It's ALL ABOUT YOU dear Almostfound! You are doing all the right things to get healed, healthy and happy. Keep reading, keep sharing and getting it out and keep focusing on you and what you need to move along on The Path Forward. We all wonder how this happened to us, too (I'm sure you know that from your reading here). What I do know is it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! I am so glad you found us, though I'm sorry you had to land here. You are at the right place. Hugs and welcome to you, dear Almostfound from, (not) spinning. NEVER AGAIN. I REFUSE TO SPIN FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANYONE!

spinning

Oct 4 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
almostfound
almostfound's picture

Thank you Spinning!

Thank you for the welcome! I am so glad to have found this site.... I promise that this will never happen again and with such support, it will not :) Thank you!
Oct 4 - 1PM
freaked
freaked's picture

Hi Almostfound

Hey Almostfound, CLOSE that email account asap. you are fine dear..welcome to the club. we are the survivors, just the fact that you are here proves that. Talk to Lisa, Goldie, Scoop, Hunter, and anyone of us here if you are feeling down. We have become good at sending out positive vibes. have a chat with sunafterrain or empath or tigerlily or anyone whose posts you found most helpful. We are here to HELP and SUPPORT one another. if you are 12 weeks NC.. then Hurray.. you are doing fine. and soon you will be recovering your Life too dear sister.
Oct 4 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
almostfound
almostfound's picture

Thank you Freaked

Thank you Freaked for the welcome :) I think about changing my account but I have sooo many things going there, it makes me lazy to think of who I need to contact. I have been NC and I think that is why he sends them, because I do not react. Anyway, I will win myself back, I know it!! I have to! For so long, I actually felt possessed by him, I wondered when he hypnotized me...did he drug me? One year with him and I was addicted. His last words were: "Why didn't you trust me? I loved you". This after finding him cheating....well, getting REAL PROOF this time around I should say. (PS...with the proof in his face, he NEVER acknowledged that he was caught. NOTHING!) Anyway, thank you so much Freaked for your welcome! I am happy to be here:)
Oct 4 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Crazy Train
Crazy Train's picture

AlmostFound, Welcome! Though

AlmostFound, Welcome! Though it's unfortunate that we all share something truly horrible in common. Congratulations on 4 mo NC! I'm at 5 weeks and its still on my mind first thing when I wake up. Like some of the others, I miss the "idea" of who I thought he really was. Not the monster he turned out to be