Why can't I get over this?

Jodie, How are you doing? I hope you are doing well... Write when you have a chance...

I posted that same article you mention here: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/05/06/60-million-persons-u-s-negatively-affected-someone-elses-pathology here's some other goodies for y'all: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2005/10/unhappy-marriages-may-harm-womens.html http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/03/depression-promotes-heart-problems.html http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/02/heartbreak-heartache-and-cardiac-pain.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/05/your-medical-conditions-is-root-your.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

You are experiencing a physical and emotional re-action that takes a long time to get over. There is just something about the way he baited you into the relationship, instinctivly knowing what you were looking for-that leaves a soul wrenching disappointment. there is a lot of anxiety, and stress which then causes cortisol hormonal changes, depression, and the whole package just creates a type of chaos that is hard to get out of. the things that work for most women are: excercise, group therapy, learning something new by taking a class or learning a hobby, moving to another city etc. The horrible sadness, fear, stress, anger,and anxiety you are feeling all have their own body chemistry and naturally if you think that going back to him is going to stop your compulsive thoughts and upset your brain is going to say lets go back. that is just delaying the break-up. there is nothing wrong with you it is like this for many people. I sent an article to lisa that stated that 60 million people are negatively affected by their contacts on the job and in their personal lives by narcissists and other personality disorders. It leads to alcohol and drug problems, physical problems, heart attacks, etc. You are in a pretty big group Jodie and you are going to beat this and get your groove back. He is still in control and now you have to fight to get control over your inner life again and meet the good future that is right around the corner.

I feel for you Jodie. There was a time when I wrote in my journal,'there is a great big gaping whole where my heart used to be and the wind rushes through and chills me to the bone; the pain, the darkness, the disconnection I feel is almost unbearable' That was five years ago and I also remember laying on the floor of the flat I had moved in to when I left my partner, holding a photo of him in my hand and crying to him to rescue me, yet knowing at the same time I would never hold him, feel his warmth or smell him again'. The pain of missing him was so bad I would have taken back the pain of being with him to stop the hurt, but somewhere deep inside I knew I didn't really want that prayer answered and thankfully it wasn't. Today, when I have a bad day (and they still come occasionally), I ask for the strength to stick with the feelings whatever they may be. The flat at that time was empty too, like the me he had created. He was a parasite, he drained me of all energy, he took away my identity and replaced it with his own; he brainwashed me. He was toxic to me, he literally poisoned me and it took years to 'flush' my system. Today my flat is colourful and my life is full. In the early days after I left him I worked in the domestic violence sector, running groups for women who were living with/or who had experienced abuse (I can now see this was part of my own therapy). When this work made me ill, because it mirrored daily the crulty of my former life, I took two months off sick to really grieve and to 'just be'. At times I felt I was going crazy and I wondered if I could ever be part of 'normal'life again,I doubted everything about myself, however I had the sense to nurture myself back to health by resting, 'going with the ebb and flow of my feelings, writing my journal, eating well, walking and sometimes being with friends who gave me positive vibes and I made it a rule not to talk about the past or him. I then got myself a job back in education which is where I had been when I met my partner seven years before. I gave myself the best chance of success which in the beginning meant I went to work, came home ate and went to bed - my body and mind were that exhausted! However rather than 'beat' myself up I constantly reminded myself just what I had been through. I also knew if I had been a man returning from a war I would have received understanding, whereas as a women who had lived with abuse I felt I was misunderstood and blamed for not leaving sooner! This injustice made me angry but as anger only eats me up I gradually learnt to smile and to understand it was ignornace and fear that led to this view. I used my position in education to educate others and today I support students with perceived problems of all kinds,and I lecture to Police trainees on domestic abuse. I always aim to make my lectures creative and to make participants see it could so easily happen to them too (although they never know it was once me!)It hasn't been easy leaving the man I loved, accepting he would never change was so hard, but learning to live without him was even harder. Be kind to yourself, listen to your body and let your own recovery go at the pace your body dictates. If people haven't been there they really don't know! Have faith in yourself, after all 'you got you this far!'

Jodie, I know how hard it is to get over it. I had false hope for so long, after so many years of disappointment and abuse. I am finally able to put him out of my heart, and when I can't get him out of my head, I visualize him as something and then shrink it down until it disappears. I have used this technique before with other people who dominate my thoughts, and it works! I visualize his 23-year-old girlfriend as a rat, shrink her down and she disappears too. I have had to really exercise some self-discipline to get both of them out of my head, but it is working. Today when I woke up I didn't think of him at all.

When I previously read your post, I thought, my God...so terrible it put her in the hospital?! But, it happened to me yesterday. To make a long story short, I went to the hospital because I was having some really freaky symptoms, and I thought I should get checked out. Turned out to be a full-blown anxiety attack, which I've never experienced (other than some 'normal' anxiety). I'm sure the trigger was his increased attempts on the weekend to make contact with me. Anyhow, they made sure I wasn't having heart issues, and did a CT scan on my brain to rule out stroke. They gave me a shot of something to calm me down. I was soooo upset and embarassed (I had to call my kids who came right over and took care of me). It was very scary. So great, now I am capable of having uncontrollable anxiety...YAY! But they gave me a perscription for happy pills to take in case I feel anohter coming on....which I am NOT happy about...I am not into drugs at all. So this actually makes me angrier that because of whatever PTSD stuff I'm going through because of HIM, my 'injuries' are relivant enough to the point of having to take drugs, seek therapy (starting next week), creating more of a practical and financial burden on me. Gee, thanks idiotface. :(

Dear Jodie, I feel your pain, but let me tell you it does get better with time, and by doing the things you know to do to help your self - such as sharing with others who understand (like you are doing in this website), journaling, counseling, reading books on narcissism, etc. Here's a little on my experience, I consider myself a pretty strong woman, but when my N left me - I crumbled, and experienced the most intense emotional pain I have ever felt. I could not sleep or eat, I could not even swallow a cup of milk, I lost weight, I too see like my face is aging - I went to buy Lancome anti-aging cremes today. It's been 4 months, and I noticed that every week it gets better, the pain is less intense. I still struggle, there's days when I just stop and cry like a baby, because I am hurting. There's been times, when I drive into my garage, I remember he's no longer there, I stop, and I can't help it -I just cry as hard as I can, and it just hurts. But as my counselor told me, it's OK to give ourselves permission to grieve, allowing ourselves to go through the grief process is healthy, he told me that whenever I felt like crying - to just cry, it eventually runs its course and I will heal completely. Every week gets better, and I feel stronger. Keep pressing forward Jodie! Another thing that has helped me alot is doing things for me -such as going to the spa to get a European facial, getting my nails done, picking up a new outfit or just a new shirt, getting the gourmet coffee I enjoy, reading a book, the other day - I went for a "swing" dance lesson with a friend. I also went to an Africa fundraiser dance, it was fun. Things like this have helped me get my mind off the narcissist and focus on me - instead of him, and they have helped me alot! Try some of these yourself! And when you start idealizing him, remember that what you saw in him that was attractive - is not real, it's fake, it's an illusion. You deserve REAL! You deserve to be loved.

Two months would be fine after leaving a NORMAL person. NOT a pathological. It took me almost 4 full years and part of me is still not fully over it. STILL. It's going to take time and the right therapy. Have you tried something like Sandra Brown's hypnosis tapes? or EMDR therapy? These guys take a LOT LOT LOT of time. They program your mind and that's like cult deprogramming to get over. MOST of the women I know who have been with Narcs or Ps suffer from PTSD to some degree. And that takes specialized treatment and care. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!" - A. Valerious

(((((Jodie))))) It's going to be okay. I know you feel like you're dying...but you are NOT going to. You are going to survive this guy. Keep holding on. I still love my N too...I know how hard this is. But he can only hurt you. There is life after this, there is.