Why can't I get over this?

Hi Jodie, I agree with everything previously written and not sure i have much to add. We are all pretty "brilliant" women...how's that for narcissim??? :_) Anyway, Yes a part of you Has Died. That's part of this horrendous process. But there IS hope in sight. And you know, it does take those who have been through this to Truly Understand. I remember last fall going on a "girlfriends' trip with very old and dear friends. I was a mess. Crying, suicidal feeelings, all in a setting where my N and I had lived before, so it was that much more of a "trigger". I remember saying " He has broken Me." There was silence from my friends because they just didn't know How to respond. And I can't blame them because none of them had been through this. I remember feeling as if I was again being reviled because I "couldn't cope". and "please, this is our vacation together, don't "ruin" it." And I completely understood. Nevertheless, I still felt the same way, as you seem to right now. It is so helpful to know there are others out there who have been through the same thing. The most I can say , Jodie, is that, believe it or not, it Does get better. Hang in there. Cry if you need to. Also stay posted here and on other sites you find helpful because I believe knowledge is power and it can help us get a better perspective. I know that for me, just reading posts here help me and other links as well. Helps me not to feel so alone and so insignificant. I can't believe the wonderful women who are on this site. We are all lucky for that. And I believe we can support each other through anything. Darling Jodie, and don't mean to be demeaning in that endearing term at all...Please keep us posted. Get a good night's rest. Maybe things will look better in the morning. Don't allow him to do this to you. CM

I know, I can identify with those feelings. Hey, you tried to do something with your friends, that's a start. It's easy for me on the weekend to not do anything, but I forced myself today to get out an run some much-needed errands. For me, that was 'something', and it was a good thing. Right now, the only person's opinion that counts is mine. And it's about time. Some people may not get what you're going through, how can they unless they've been through it? I hope for myself, the part of me that has died are the traits I picked up in my effort to cope in a crappy situation. I am glad to shed my worry and nervousness, hoping I say and do everything right. I was sick to death of how it was like having another full-time career just making sure everything was okay in his world. It helps me when I have thoughts about him that make me downright angry. He took advantage of my love for him and good nature, and thought he'd always get away with it. Well, dammit, he was the person who was supposed to have MY best interest at heart, he was the person who was supposed to PROTECT me from the very things he did and said to me that were so hurtful. Those are some of the thoughts that make me miss him just a little less every day.

It takes time to grieve the pathological relationship loss. Good for you that you TRIED to go out. The very fact this is taking a long time should tell you something about HIM and how sick he is. (BTW - at 2 months? I was in the hospital still vomitting and not sleeping but diagnosed with PTSD) This might help you understand: We began talking about the grief process as it pertains to ending the relationship with your dangerous (and often, pathological) person. Even though the relationship was damaging and maybe you even initiated the break up, it doesn't stop the necessary grieving. Women are then shocked to find themselves grieving at all -- given how abusive, damaging or horrible the relationship was. She tells her self she should be grateful to be out and negates her own feelings of loss. The end of a relationship always constitutes a loss whether he died or whether the relationship merely ended -- the heart recognizes it as the same -- which is "loss." I also mentioned last week that grief is natural. It's an organic way the body and mind tries to rid itself of pain. That's why it's so necessary because if you did not grieve you would have no way to eventually be out of pain. Grief is the way a person moves thru the loss and to the other side of health and healing. Without grief there wouldn't even be a POTENTIAL for healing because grief must occur for healing to later occur. To stuff your grief or try to avoid it is to sabotage your own ability to heal. So for every person trying to work thru the ending of a relationship, grief is the healthiest response. Some of the losses associated with the end of the relationship were discussed last week. Many of you wrote me to talk about the 'personal side' of grief -- the other aspects that were lost because of the dangerous relationship and must be grieved. These include the loss of * your own self respect, * the respect of others, * your ability to trust your own instincts, * loss of self-identity, * loss of self confidence and self esteem, * the loss of the trust of others, * the loss of your own dignity, * the loss of hope, * the loss of joy, * the loss of the belief that you can ever be different. These significant personal losses may not always be recognized as 'grief' but more as all the deficits that have been left behind because of the pathological relationship. Although he is gone, this is his mark upon your life and your soul. These losses reflect the loss of your self and your own internal personal resources. Stripped away is your ability to recognize your former self, the ability to tap into what was once the strength that helped you in life, and to respect your self and your life choices. Of all the things that need grieving, women indicated these personal losses as the most devastating. Because in the end, she is all that she has -- when he is gone, she must fall back on her self for her healing. But what is left, is an empty shell of a former life. A garden that is over grown with weeds and in disrepair. A once stately estate that has been vandalized and abandoned. To begin the arduous task of healing and repair requires that she turn inward and draw on her resources. But what was there is now gone. She may want to begin the healing from the pathological relationship but is stopped short in her tracks by the necessary grieving of all things internal that are now gone or damaged. Clearly, the first step is to grieve. http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/07/grieving-pathological-loss-personal.html ~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, gossips & enabling lackeys close. They despise the principled & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation!" - A. Valerious