You are brilliant and helping me so much! Please keep sharing your wisdom. Everything you say is true for me...why my stubborn mind keeps trying to fight reality and the facts is beyond me. But I will keep fighting until I get it. I am one of the unfortunate ones that put 10 plus years in...hoping for the damaged one to heal and open up and love me... I am so screwed up from the experience and so far away from my own desired life style and vaues.
The rebuilding process is a big job...your words help
Wow, you described my earlier feeling so well. That potential kept me in for a long time. As my relationship unraveled, I kept hanging onto hope that we could get back the love we started with. On occasion, I would see a glimpse of that man I fell for, he would toss me a bone of hope with a compliment or small gift, but then he was back to his N self. It spun my head and heart around until I was insane with confusion.
After our first and second break ups I kept hoping that he would have a change of heart and see the 'potential' we had to have something lasting and beautiful. I was deluding myself.
Getting honest about the man was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There never was any real potential.
Hope has been abandoned!
Abandon all hope in the N., hope for yourself instead!
YES!!! Abandon ALL hope for your N.!!! Do not waste one more precious second of your goodness on their badness!
Every second that you cling to hope for them, you rob yourself...YOU rob yourself...of the opportunity to find happiness within yourself, and also to find happiness in a relationship with someone who is NOT a defective N.
Be resolute in committing to abandoning all hope for your N., then you will begin to lose the cognitive dissonance... you will lose that anxiety that comes from flip flopping back and forth...wondering if they can or will change...because they can't. They know this, now you know this too.
Acceptance of that is the ONLY thing that will bring about your healing.
YOU are fixable, and you WILL heal. The N is not fixable, they are hopeless, so abandon ALL hope for the N. and put your hope in YOU!
I am a brand new subscriber to this blog and would like to offer a heartfelt "thank you" to those who have said kind things about what I've shared. I have great compassion for all who are here...we are all different yet we have all experienced the same crazymaking N...only the names have changed.
Thank God for this blog, because no one really understands how subtle and manipulative the N's are except those of us who have experienced it first hand.
There IS a way out...stay NC and work on your own healing.
Empath those posts were fantastic i've been NC almost 4 months now and had been improving over time only to have a set back this week ( just a minor blip no contact or anything just heard things through the grapevine)
Well i just read your posts on this thread and i'm gonna read them over whenever i feel down or miss my N
I spent 11 years of my life trying to capture what we first had and preserve some of his good qualities in the hope that he would 'see the light' - the only thing he did was perform such a shocking D&D 4 weeks after our wedding day that i am now on here and recovering from an almighty breakdown
My N also left me high and dry when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and for the whole time he received treatment - N was AWOL with someone else!!!!
The minute my Dad was in remission and well again.....up popped the N!
The pattern repeated like this for a few years, whenever i needed the N for support emotionally - he was nowhere to be seen or heard!
Shoulda seen the signs long ago!!!
I jyst read your passage and a sense of calm came over me before i nestle into me bed. I like what you wrtote and how you wrote it. It made me feel safe, secure glad he;s gone. I fell so in love with the mask and IU am beautiful insiude and out, loyal, loving and deserve so much better. Thank you for letting me fall asleep tonight in a peaceful way. Hugs...
Trusting your own judgment helps you find your peace again.
You're welcome, dentalas. I didn't "do" anything though...the peace you are feeling is your self confidence coming back, it's the sense of knowing that you are healing, it's the sense of trusting your own judgment to know when someone is not worthy of you. Your cognitive dissonance is going away because you have committed to your own healing; you've taken the focus off the N. and put it on you where it belongs. That's when the anxiety stops and the peace returns. Sleep well. You will feel better and even more peaceful as you move through the process. (((hugs))) :)
Empath
Hope and Potential
Abandon all hope in the N., hope for yourself instead!
Empath those posts were
empath
Trusting your own judgment helps you find your peace again.