Why do narcissists marry so quickly during the luring phase?

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#1 Aug 4 - 5PM
Sunafterrain's picture

Why do narcissists marry so quickly during the luring phase?

A lot of conversations here about N/P/S/ and cohabitating. But what about those that want to marry you so fast? Why do they do this? If Pathologicals cannot commit, why do they want to rush into marriage? If you followed this particular fast paced dating relationship that turned into marriage, how long was it before he asked you to marry him? Mine just remarried after knowing his online dating victim less than five months? I know someone else here said her N split and married someone in THREE WEEKS???

But if they cannot be emotionally intimate and hate women, why do they want to marry so fast?

Jul 20 - 10PM
Keisha Brooks
Keisha Brooks's picture

My fiancee left, But Vudoo spell brought him back

Jul 12 - 3AM
JesusCanHealThis's picture

Why do narcissists marry so quickly?

Be His <><

Sep 20 - 1PM
peacefulsong's picture

Married 4 Months Into The Relationship

Sep 20 - 8AM
MyTurnToBe Free
MyTurnToBe Free's picture


Sep 20 - 2AM
Pumpkin's picture



Sep 18 - 1PM
Miss Brownville
Miss Brownville's picture

They hurry to secure their new supply before being discovered!

Sep 18 - 8PM (Reply to #57)
Emerald11's picture

This topic is interesting to

Sep 18 - 12PM
Goldie's picture

Why not?

Sep 18 - 11AM
Janie53's picture

Why do they marry so fast?

Sep 18 - 11AM
Butterfly1313's picture

Could have been me

Sep 18 - 10AM
Hunter's picture


Sep 18 - 11AM
WalkingByFaith's picture

Happened to Me

Sep 18 - 5AM
RedMist's picture

Lol it is so funny how they

Aug 11 - 5AM
Swan's picture

that's easy!

So its too late when you finally catch on the monster that they truly are....you are already legally bound to this nightmare and it isn't so easy to break free from them.
Sep 18 - 11AM (Reply to #49)
WalkingByFaith's picture

It is....

Aug 11 - 2AM
Nemesis's picture


I think it is to do with power and control. My narc ex said he wanted us to get engaged very early on in the relationship during a time when I was busy pursuing lots of interesting and exciting opportunities that didn't include him. The manner with which he said it was very controlling. He said "I want to be engaged to you by Christmas", which actually wasn't a question and implied that I didn't have a choice in the matter. I think this was a way of asserting his "ownership" of me. Shortly after this was said I went through a period of illness. We never did actually get engaged. Christmas came and went and he never mentioned it again.
Aug 11 - 5AM (Reply to #47)
Susan32's picture

Marriage as ownership

The ex-Psych prof is obsessed with "War and Peace",and in the first epilogue Leo Tolstoy describes Natasha giving herself COMPLETELY to Pierre, and that she "puts herself in the position of slave." It DEFINITELY is about ownership. The ex-P wanted to own me. Early on, he wanted to rush me into marriage. He wanted a weeklong courtship like Leo and Sofia Tolstoy. With the ex-P, it was more like "I want to get married" rather than getting on his knees and saying "Will you marry me?" When he married his girlfriend, it was as an afterthought. He married her AFTER she gave birth. So, when I assumed they were engaged because they were living together... maybe that was just ME. Perhaps there were no intentions of getting married. Perhaps if she didn't get pregnant he wouldn't have married her. They've stayed married for the past decade... and there have been naysayers who assumed they wouldn't last.
Aug 11 - 5AM (Reply to #46)
onwithmylife's picture


liked what you said about power and control, when I went to read an old letter from the narc, he always used the I have plans for us", we needed to makes plans together, it is a lot about ownership of another person that they see as an extension of themselves, it all fits in very well.
Aug 10 - 4PM
agnesmurphy17's picture

Marry Quickly

Gee. I married my N after dating 6 months. We knew each other about 6 months before we started "dating" -- ie intimate relationship. I said at the time that I am throwing all caution to the wind marrying a man I hardly knew. N did not like me saying that. So I stopped. Why did I marry a total stranger? Well, I was very lonely after almost a decade of frogs & having had my heart broken twice. He was handsome, educated, well-employed & treated me well. His parents were fantastic. He told me I made him happier than any woman ever had in his life. (I would learn he told that to my replacement as well.) He wanted a relationship. (So refreshing after so many men who go out on a date & the first thing they say is: "I don't want to be in a relationship." -- code word for I want a f**k buddy.) Although he had money . . . he wanted to buy a house which was above his financial means. Now I know he married me to access my capital to buy the house. Early on in the relationship I had made it very clear that I would not live nor buy property with a man if I was not married to him. And I meant it. He asked me to marry him because he had no choice. The abuse started within weeks of the marriage & closing on the house one week after we married. I left after 2 1/2 years. Lost a lot of money to his enrichment. He took up with a woman the day I left. They planned on marrying. She moved into the house I co-owned with him after she knew him 4 months. He tried to get her to buy into the house which he had to pay me money for upon our divorce. She had valuable material possessions & collections which he wanted. And, he could be on her health insurance & cancel his with his employer. (I am self-employed & continue on his group policy as long as he does not remarry or terminate.) He was proposing to her in the first month of their relationship (I think to con her into buying into the house because the bank would not refinance for him there alone.) She contacted me & told me everything after she left him. (He was much more abusive to her than to me.) They marry or cohabitate because there is something in it for them. Usually, money, sex & services (domestic & secretarial). And a party makes them the center of attention for the day. And a married woman is less likely to run away than a live-in.
Sep 19 - 7PM (Reply to #44)
brandnew's picture

"They marry or cohabitate

Aug 10 - 5PM (Reply to #42)
Sunafterrain's picture


Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. You left after two and a half years. That's not less likely to run away from my perspective anyway. You got out sooner than most do. Thank the good Lord that you saw what was happening. My ex married his first wife within the first year. He said he married her so he could have sex (he was nineteen at the time and came from an extremely religious home). She split four years later with their child and never looked back. Second marriage, he proposed within seven months. Married at almost one year. Second wife was very apprehensive about marrying him and he said "her abuse" was taking place before the marriage ever happened. I now know it was the opposite. This one was five months, if that. He is heavily in debt and wanted to remodel his house. Your story sounds so similar to those he was married too, although the first and second marriages lasted a lot longer than yours. I'm curious, Agnes, when the replacement called to speak with you, did you hear things that were similar in nature as to what happened to you? What made you realize that he was just using you and that you felt compelled to leave?
Aug 11 - 2AM (Reply to #43)
agnesmurphy17's picture


The replacement (NW) found me about 3 months after she left him. I think she had difficulty finding me because I had moved so much in the last few years. Move with N, move away from N. She found somebody who gave her my e-mail. Oh, he said the same lines of endearments. Wrote the same phrases in his love letters. The abuse was identical. But also tailored specifically. I was not impressed with threats of suicide. She was really upset by such threats. He used slightly different manipulation tactics based upon our unique weaknesses. I think I knew within 6 months of the marriage that he had married me to buy a house. but I went into denial. The D&D started almost immediately after the puchase of the house & moving in. It was a real Dr. J & Mr. H situation. The cycle of abuse was about 7-10 days. And when he was Mr. H -- the things he said were HORRIBLE. And then, poof, as if nothing happened. I was to "forget" -- And he never apologized because he had not intended to hurt me -- If I was hurt that was my problem because I saw things that way. And if I felt any hesitation or reserve, I was attacked for holding grudges. Attacked for being a petty & small person for nursing grudges over trifles. But all his RAGE was over trifles. Seriously, if a person loves another -- they do not spend 33% or more of a relationship doing the silent treatment. They do not spend every holiday making a theater & a drama to ruin everything. They do not make clear that work is first, the gym second, the house renovation 3rd, and then maybe -- just maybe -- the wife 4th. It's not rocket science. I lasted as long as I did because I used tranquilzers for awhile. And, of course, I was married. And I had no where else to go. I was financially strapped for ready cash because I gave everything to him. My check was spent before it was even issued by my employer. I plotted my escape for about 6 months. I stopped giving money to the house. I went to therapy alone. And I found a girlfriend who allowed me to rent a room in her house. I think the final catalyst for me was when I read Robin Stern's book, THE GASLIGHT EFFECT. I read what my N was doing. He is a poster child for what she calls the Intimidator Gaslighter. She said these are the most dangerous & they often go to physical violence. he was beginning with he physical when I left. (Spitting, shoving, threatening violence.) When I read this book, I finally recognized that I was NOT the crazy one. That I was afraid all the time because he was indeed a dangerous man. If a woman writing a book could write out the exact words 7 tacktics my N was doing -- Hell, I better scram. This had zero to do with me (as my N said). He was a twisted creature & it was time to go. I contacted the first ex-wife., She lasted 20 years. She told me that he was physically violent. And that I was correct. I sensed that he was trying to push me into what I believed to be depraved sexual acts. Truing me into an object. She said he was totally into S/M. He kept all that a secret from me. Was gradually training me & tearing me down. Trying to make me completely submissive. The man is a MONSTER. And a well-respected university professor. It's too creepy.
Aug 5 - 9AM
Susan32's picture

Who is Harry Nilsson?

Harry Nilsson wrote the '60s hit song "One is the Loneliest Number." He rushed his third wife, Una, into marriage, proposing marriage to her on the night they met. She was 19, newly arrived in NYC from Ireland, he was in his 30s... and on the day of the wedding, Harry called it Hell, and was intoxicated at the ceremony. In the documentary "Who is Harry Nilsson? And why is everybody talking about him?" the marriage between Harry&Una is romanticized, despite the fact he was still heavily into drugs&drinking after the wedding. Harry fathered 5 or 6 kids with Una;she idolizes him. But it's the rush into marriage that's unnerving. Like many Narcs, Harry sabotaged his success, he was self-destructive, his palling around with John Lennon is described as a "friendship made in Hell." Una married Harry when she barely knew him;he was drunk when she married him. When he died of a heart attack in the '90s (he was in his 50s),he'd tell her "I'll make you a rich young widow." Harry Nilsson struck me as a classic, alcoholic Narc. He resented never being as famous as the Beatles, tho the Beatles respected him. My mother would compare the ex-Psych prof to Harry Nilsson.
Aug 5 - 8AM
Deidre40's picture

Good question. I think in

Good question. I think in their mind’s eye, they see their failed relationships as always someone else’s fault or doing. Every one of us shares that common thread—we were abused, but the abuser made us feel we were to blame. A very strong trait with narcissists is that they don’t admit wrong. They either won’t…or can’t. They perceive themselves as the end all, be all of existence…and if you fail to shower them with compliments, and praise…they retaliate…either by leaving their victims, or by abusing them. Mine did the latter. I eventually broke things off. I truly think they want to be normal, in some way. I can’t imagine going through so many failed marriages as my ex did and not thinking that he had something to do with it. But, sadly…I remember the stories. He blamed all of his ‘’crazy’’ ex’s. I’m sure I’m in that category now….lol You know you’re healing when…you don’t care what they think of you, or say about you anymore.
Aug 5 - 7AM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

They marry quickly in order

They marry quickly in order to trap their new supply source before the mask slips and the new victim catches on and leaves. It takes a lot of energy to wear that mask and they can only keep it up for so long. Once they're married, they can relax and show their true colors because now their supply is stuck and not going anywhere. At least not for a while. Now there's a binding, legal commitment that's much harder to get out of. And since the N regards their supply as their property, marriage "solidifies" it. This is also why pregnancies are often quick to follow the marriage. Another tool to trap the victim.
Aug 5 - 7AM
Cgrl's picture


He married her because it is not so easy for her to leave now - is it???? Money....security....supply....roof over his head....can use her....can lie to her....she is most probably an alcoholic... Basically he can pull some massive shit on her and turn it around to mean so many things because he knows she is an addictive personality, hence the alcohol. He can really give it too her. And do what he always does. You on the other hand - were making DEMANDS on him. Time to leave lobo........she is getting smart. Cant have her dump me.
Aug 5 - 6AM
Reddley's picture

Ok I am thoroughly curious

Ok I am thoroughly curious now. How do these fuckers who marry and remarry and remarry etc pay support? Do they even ever think about that shit before they hop into the next marriage? Do they get away without paying? I'm jut baffled. Who the hell wants a man who loses most of his paychecks to his ex wives and children? I'm not saying I wouldn't be with someone who has financial burdens to some degree but support payments are a long term thing! And I'm sure as shit not paying for some other woman's bills if this guy gets laid off or loses his job for some other reason.
Aug 5 - 6AM
Cgrl's picture

"It makes my head do twirls on my neck like a figure skater."

I LOVE THIS!!!! Thank you sooo much for the laugh - God I love you girls!! You always make me smile and know I am so NOT alone. My narc was married twice. Still married when he got with me and promising marriage to me so I would have been number 3. He married his second wife only after knowing her for maybe six months. His first wife he got pregnant in high school. Surprisingly - I was quite happy with being number three which blows my mind because I have never even been married. I was settling. Anyway - Since gay marriage is now legal somewhere (whatever) he can marry his guy and HE can now be number three if he ever gets a job, stays at it long enough and saves some money for a divorce. Fccking assclown losers. God I love the head twirl thing - thank you!!!
Aug 5 - 5AM
Lobo555's picture

<Raising hand>

The three-weeker? Yep, that was in my post. CharlieSheenWinning married a woman after knowing her for 3 weeks. We were on/off for years, but never in a "relationship." He wanted "fun" not a relationship. He was married twice, engaged to a third, but the third kept breaking things off. Then he was in his "I just want fun" phase with me and other women. I broke it off when he told me he still wasn't over the third woman. He got together with yet ANOTHER woman the day after I broke things off. Married HER 3 weeks later. Yeah, I've been wondering about the marriage thing, too!!!! How, how, HOW can he have married twice, been engaged, then swore off marriage because of all of that and THEN marry again? It makes my head do twirls on my neck like a figure skater.
Aug 5 - 6AM (Reply to #32)
Lobo555's picture

Okay, I'm replying to my own comment :)

I should have added on there that CharlieSheenWinning married a rich woman. He's homeless, jobless -- gave away, sold, or lost everything he owns. So, he's in it for her cash and for the fact that she drinks as much as he does. A drinking buddy who has cash and loves tantric sex -- a perfect match. BUT, why MARRY? Why not just sponge off her? This is what has my head doing pirouettes. Maybe *she* insisted on it. Maybe he did it partly to get back at me and also the woman he was engaged to who also broke it off w/him. Who knows? I just don't get, even after all the reading I've done, why they get MARRIED.