Why do things always seem to work out for them?

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Rinalda
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Why do things always seem to work out for them?

I'm ready to explode. After a brutal time witnessing the N with another woman, I now have to see him be the golden boy at work (yes, unfortunately we work together). Also there may be another woman ready to go with him now, suddenly, as though planted there for his picking.

***WHY**** do the Ns seem to succeed at everything, at least on the surface? Underneath all the praise and accolades, there lurks a monster. Little do other people know. But it is SO frustrating that he always seems to win out while I have gone through hell. I am beyond aggravated.

onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture
Seems is right!
all here are on to something, it does SEEM like it works out for these totally self absorbed men but in the end if we could be a fly on the wall of their place and look inside of their hollow shells, we would see a totally diffferent picture. My EXN just wanted me for sex and the money I had in my place, once he was able to sell his place and buy something better, with his own money, I was D and D immediately, this is after over a decade of being together,and all i did for him and what we went thru together, what does that tell you!They are not really happy and will never be, I m guessing that man is totally depressed, he is not after another woman, lives a very isolated life where no one really cares if he lives or dies, that is some life and no thank you to that, I owuld rather go on working to recover from him and know there are people out there who care for me, than live HIS life....................I am hoping on his deathbed, he finally looks inward but i am not placing any bets!
terri
terri's picture
Because that's all they care about
They manipulate everything and everyone so that everything does work out best for them in the end. That's why everyone who tries to relate to them in a normal, caring, honest way gets hurt - we play by the rules, they don't. Just sayin' (sorry, it was a bad day for me - exN called after 3+ weeks of NC)

Believe in yourself!
Terri

Rinalda
Rinalda's picture
Reconciling it
They don't play by any rules except whatever the masterful EGO dictates. I can't reconcile all of this yet, though. Today was a bad day for me, too. Do we say, then, that by our *normal* criteria for success, they are failures but that by their own twisted, shallow, base, egotistical standards, N's do get what they want? He is bouyed up by the latest flirtation or flavour of the month and knows only the satisfaction of that (or at least twists it in his mind so that a screw IS happiness), while I, who do not operate this way, sit here unable to concentrate or sleep or even eat at the moment.
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture
THINGS DONT WORK OUT FOR THEM
and work out as far as what? Getting their next victim? Having women woo over them and all their fake phony front? What a real contribution to society to see how many women you can screw and con, then hurt and destroy. Remember for most of them what they HAVE is just a front to them better to fool others with in what the general publics view of success is. I dont find jumping from women to women and cheating 24-7 in ANYWAY "working out for them" They are the most shallow unreal individuals that walk the face of the earth. Mine ... lets see is 55 arent we a little beyond at this age trying to score P---y and seeing how many women you can fool. They will always be unsettled and they will never find the true meaning of life. I dont care if mine has 20 women lined up that wants him, like I always said once they unwrap the pretty package all they will get is a piece of shit. They always turn to shit with everyone.
Rinalda
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It's true
neverlookback: Too true--they are worthless pieces of shit who detract from society rather than enhancing it. I feel a bit more hopeful seeing how strong you've been in the face of this garbage. The fake and phoney cheater is no prize, as the others will find out. These N's are very unsettled, indeed, to keep doing this time after time. I guess I won't look at it as a pay-off for him, at least in the long run....
Used
Used's picture
the truth
they are not happy and never will be, i said to n, and this was when i still liked him ,lol, i looked at him and said my only consalation is knowing you will never be happy and never have peace of mind, he didnt even say where did that come from? he didnt disagree, cos he couldnt , he knew i knew him. he was moaning again about life and it[sounds cheesy] but a hawk flew by, it was bueatyfull we looked at each other and i said see, thats what life,s about, shitty, but made up of brief moments of happiness and wonder. he got it, he said i wish i was you, i didnt make any flippant remarks. b/c i knew it was true, my courage, my compassion ,my family , my loyalty,my love, all these things he wanted and knew he would never have or never feel.
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture
Lacking and taking your word for it
I've sensed something like this, too. They do seem to know that they are not always (or ever?) what they louldy profess to be. They get jealous of other people's genuine qualities. How much do they feel or register what they lack? I don't know. How much do *I* feel the fall-out of his actions? All too clear and present. I will try to take everyone's word for it here that he's not always winning.
Rinalda
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So specialIn his own mind; feel like I'm being too nice
I think that's the thing--that in his own mind, he IS successful. He gets what he wants. He gets attention from different women--but our office isn't even that big!! I just can't stomach it. On top of getting this attention from others, he is acting like we're friends again. I'm worried now that I'm being too nice and that as a result, he is indulged way too much. I'm sick of him getting things or thinking he's so special!!!! (I know, he isn't winning deep down. But his ego is sure boosted by any attention paid to him.) And he he has started being bolder with me, initiating conversations and joking (even flirting). I don't act hostile anymore, mainly because he doesn't matter enough to be so worked up. I "do my own thing" at work and stay out of his way. But I answer his questions. I keep my distance but these days he's talking to me enthusiastically, in a perky way, "happy" that I'm acknowledging his presence I think. If I don't respond apparently "nicely" enough, he snubs me and withdraws in any icy silence. You all know the game. When I do answer him "nicely", he gets nicer. I'm trying to ignore his manipulative bs. I can't do anything about the other women who play right into his slick hands. Having to hear and see it from the sidelines is unravelling me once again. So, of course, I don't want to make anything easy for him where I am concerned (he CAN'T have all of us!!!!). It's so tiring and stressful. I just can't stand seeing him getting more notches on his belt while I still suffer.... Sometimes this is just more than I can take. :(
Briseis
Briseis's picture
What success? He's burned
What success? He's burned through you, another woman, and is now preparing to victimize a third one. I guess if a person's value system includes being a man whore, I can see your point :P If getting fresh meat is your greatest goal in life, I can see your point there too. If getting some unwitting woman to spread her legs for you is your key to success . . . well . . . Seems to me he is about as successful as my duck Little Bill, who tries to screw everything that he can catch out in the barnyard, including me. I encourage you to see this whole scenario differently. Maybe even question what YOU think success really is. If you think your exN is successful, that things are working out for him based on his womanizing and whoring . . . see what I mean? (((hugs))) these idiots really get us to think about our lives, our value system, and ratchet it up to a better level, don't they?
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture
Not in a good space
I fear that his superficial self doesn't care one way or another how shallow and destructive it is. As long as there is more supply--new, old, whatever the case may be--he is energized and "happy." It's taken a lot out of me to get through this and see that it wasn't my fault. But the lingering frustration here is that he keeps on rollin', never afraid of the consequences. I know that that is his loss--never to have learned or grown or evolved. I guess that underneath it all he is messed up. But his tiny brain will be so thrilled with new supply that it overlooks the deeper void within!!!!! And the universe just keeps providing. AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH. ....Sorry, I am still not in a good headspace....I guess I'm resisting this turn of events, with a new woman potentially on the scene, can't accept it. Still can't even believe it.... I don't even want to look at him anymore and risk feeding that bottomless ego.
ShaynasMommy
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Rinalda,
Its interesting that you put the word happy in quotations. Because my definition of "happy" for a Narc would be "fed." ....never afraid of the consequences." They don't really have a concept of consequences, or cause and effect. All they know is that they are always searching for something and never find enough of it, and that is always the rest of the world's fault. Therefore we are all forever-after psycho bitches in their minds. This is how 3 year olds think. Please try not to be too frustrated about what an N does and does not understand. They just do not think within the same parameters we do. They only look and act the part. Children are taught by rote how to behave, but that doesn't mean the grasp the meaning of social niceties and fairness, that usually comes later with maturity. But since that development is arrested for a N very early on, they never learn those things. They are completely switched off to reality, accept that. "And the universe just keeps providing. AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH" Providing opportunities for growth to those of us who had the misfortune to step into the shit pile. I know its not something particularly comforting right now, but in time you will understand that a bit better. Please know that I went through exactly what you are now and I thought that was a bullshit statement to, and I fought it. But now it makes sense. The universe is also providing learning opportunities for N's too. Usually their are too stupid to notice. But that's what so great about our higher source. He/She/It always wants us to upgrade, always giving us a hand up, even if we don't really deserve it basedon our past actions. We condemn ourselves or redeem ourselves by our choice to act on these opportunities....or not. Yeah, I get on a tanget, you can hate me for the super dose of spirituality you didn't necessarily ask for.
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture
Blissful ignorance
Thank you, ShaynasMommy. Yes, they live within different parameters and act and think like children (only more cruelly than children, as their misuse of others is deliberate, motivated, and relentless). The spiritual reading is welcome. I get strength from these posts in what feels like very dark hours. And I guess I am richer for learning more about myself and this world. But my route, compared to the N's, is harder. The N will miss every opportunity to learn but will roll along in blissful ignorance. He just doesn't care. Life is good when he's, as you put it, "fed." He doesn't even know what he doesn't know--the real meaning behind fairness and trust. It's a comfortable indifference.
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture
yep, comfortable indifference
and being fed just makes life tolerable to them, not really all that good. We all may have harder roads to travel than them, but the outcomes are what make life that much gloriously richer for us....look what your misfortune has already brought you to thus far, an incredible bunch of ladies who genuinely care about one another, even if we are faceless.
Alive
Alive's picture
tiny brain indeed!
I have had this experience a couple of months ago. First telling me of GF over the phone (before i went NC) i said ' im happy for you' blah blah blah. Then he went in for the kill, him and GF coming to where i live!!. Well they didnt come to my door but they still tried to imtimidate me getting GF asking neighbours questions about me. I didnt respond so another kill coming...bringing \gf along when dropping kids back to me. Oh yes just remembered i did contact him (before knowing he was a N) after the GF coming to where i live i asked him why, he said because she had been getting unknown calls and texts, to cut a long story short...i asked why would i want to contact your GF? and then it just clicked he was so angry that i said i was happy for him and i bet you that it was him calling her and texting. Sad idiot. GF will learn in time but in the mean time it makes you mad that he is 'getting away with it' as such. hope you feel better soon
Susan32
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He called himself that...
The ex-Psych professor did, in all SERIOUSNESS, call himself a "man whore"--not on a sexual level, but a monetary one. He struck me more as the cerebral/money-centered type than the somatic/womanizing/manizing type. Wittgenstein said he was prostituting his immense intellect by being a professor... the ex-P thought the same way. He seemed to think I could buy his affections, and that's why we argued about $$$. What a Narc/Psych considers success is different from what normals call success... it is what it is. In a postcard sent to the ex-P 7 years ago, I told him I wanted him to enjoy personal/professional success, be happy with the OW... however he defines success. He HATED it when I told him I wanted him to be happy, and as I explained, "okay, so your version of happiness is different than mine, I still want you to be happy." Everybody has their own personal version of success. I can't define what is success is for the ex-P.
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture
Susan32
Wishing him "happiness" irked him, I take it, because he didn't like you being comfortable detaching from him. He was on edge because you could acknowledge (instead of mourn) his separate existence (?). I think that is what mine wants--my loyalty, my adoration. Meanwhile, he is loyal to no one. I'm still shocked and right now crying from the awful realization that he appears to be winding up for another conquest. I want to wipe off any smile I've put on his face because I acknowledged him. Being nice only seems to spur him on and validate him. Oooooooohhhhhhhh!! :S
Susan32
Susan32's picture
"You don't understand!!!!"
Even before I met the OW (can't call her a slut, she's the type with whom I'd talk over coffee), he would NOT allow me to wish him happiness over the phone (nor could I hang up on him either) I had to end phone calls with an emotionless "bye" or "goodbye." Any "have a nice day" or "have a happy evening" were FORBIDDEN. Being nice to the ex-Psych always got him angry. When I wished him happiness with the OW, I was smiling peacefully. He spurted, "Will you please STOP SMILING?" I didn't, I stretched it to Joan Rivers magnitude. I think it was the whole detachment thing. Then moving out of town without telling him or his colleagues didn't help either (as in, it didn't help him, but it certainly helped me!!!) The ex-P's whole argument throughout the "relationship" was that because I didn't know his innermost feelings, I could NOT wish him happiness. He'd tell me repeatedly "You're not a happy person" after ripping into my self-esteem. One moment he'd be calling me vain for being confident, then ripping into me for having low self-esteem. His argument was the teenaged "You don't understand!!!" Yeah, good luck telling an empath who can OBVIOUSLY see your unhappiness&ill will that they don't understand.
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture
Briseis--Thanks for your
Briseis--Thanks for your message. You put that so well and called it like it is. I will try to change the way I see it. I know you're right, but it hurts and stings and is making me anxious. It's like record that keeps going round and I have to say, perhaps naively, that I'm dumbfounded that it is still playing (or that HE'S still playing). I can't get over how life works sometimes. I'm taking deep breaths to relax....Thanks for the support.
Briseis
Briseis's picture
Of course it hurts a lot, it
Of course it hurts a lot, it hurts to be tossed aside as if you were a useless toy :( That part is pretty simple. Even if he is a raging Narc and a useless wart on the ass of humanity, it still hurts. He is still playing because he is what he is. He is a parasite. He fed off of you for a while, and that hurts too, knowing that you were so used. If let myself go there (which I do), I still can't figure it out either. I'm dumbfounded too. The way they behave, the way they think . . . it is so unnecessary, so destructive. They are incredibly ill. Very disturbed. It was never about you, or what you did or didn't do. If you were mauled by a bear, would you wonder WHY the bear did what he did for the rest of your life? This kind of thinking will come to you :) It is part of the healing process. I had other people telling ME these things when I was in your shoes three years ago. It's a kind of maturing or "growing up" that happens after these relationships. You start accepting people exactly as they are, instead of what you wish they would be. And life truly is a pretty weird place to be LOL!! Accept that, and learn to work with it, and along with being weird, it's got it's great times too. To me . . . so much boils down to HOW you look at things. We tend to see things in a narrow way, when there is so much more to it. Yeah, your exNarc may be UTTERLY successful in his own book. It probably is his goal in life to screw as many things as my duck would like to screw. Whoopdidoo. What a paragon of humanity he is. If that's his overarching goal in life, what a pathetic life it will be. Why take his stupid and hopeless behavior personally?
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture
and I can guarantee you
that at the end of his pathetic little existence, there will be no one at the bedside to weep of bid him farewell. Nobody but the dumbest of the dumb will show up because they never caught on, and even then maybe 1 or 2 people at most. So yeah, easier said than done, but don't take it personally, you just happend to walk into the line of fire when it was convenient for him.
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture
Grrrrrrr.........
I am channelling all of you right now, trying to keep your wise words in my mind as I sit here at work, in the same office as the ex-N. I wrote before that he may be on to the next conquest, right in front of me, AGAIN! I think I'm going to lose my mind. After greeting me today and chatting for a few minutes (he initiates all of our intereaction), not ten minutes later he was on the other side of the office greeting a woman who I think is interested in him, and talking to people sitting near her. It didn't seem accidental. Was he trying to pay equal attention, so that she didn't think he was after me? It's a little confusing, though. In the past, he always made sure that each of us didn't overhear him talking to the other woman. I know that I shouldn't care. He is despicable. Positively speaking, I have come a long way in this and am on the road to recovery. But this feels like an insult, and it takes me back to the hell I lived through with the first other woman (!) last year. It is brutal working together, but it is difficult to find a comparable job. I know that some of you live this torture as well, working with the ex-son of a b*&^%. I am so drained already, but this bs playing out right in front of me drags everything up again. I've been through so much already. And I just can't believe there is a third woman now, available, or at least boosting his goddamned ego if it's just flirtation. He doesn't deserve more attention!!!!!!!!!!
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture
Because...
they sold their souls to the devil.
tigger73
tigger73's picture
Please remember
Please remember this......Karma can be a bitch.
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture
To be honest I really don't
To be honest I really don't agree that "things always work out for them". They're narcs. Nothing works out for them. They are in constant pain inside. They make huge efforts to disguise this to look normal and happy on the outside to pretend it's "all good". But pretend they do to try and keep away from their suffering, it's all an illusion in their delusional lives. Remember they are in a state constant fear, have constant rage, self loathing and depression. Narcissism is their defence mechanism, it's there so they can cope with life. They show a pretend front to hide this to the world around them and themselves. Their reality is DAMAGE. They are damaged people constantly trying to seem undamaged. Of course they can't admit to their damaged selves, how would they live with this? No, they have to pretend to be happy, to be successful and have fulfilling lives. In reality they have none of these things. They are disordered, their appearance means everything to them as it keeps them away from pain, for short bursts. They are FAKES at life.

Ending the dance

Bodhi
Bodhi's picture
I have struggled with this a
I have struggled with this a lot... I was at rock bottom after we broke up and my ex-narc moved into a kick ass bachelor pad, got a great promotion and is now married two years after we broke up. I have had many of those "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" moments. Believe me. But... Working on yourself is tough work. I have been in therapy for two years and I have made improvements but it doesn't happen overnight. I am asking myself the tough questions and really trying to resolve my issues and figure out what makes me tick. I know I am paving the path for happiness. You don't just fall into a perfect life. Being happy takes effort. I guarantee that my ex-narc is NOT doing that and neither is yours. It may appear that things come easy to them... but are they REALLY making good decisions? Are they working on themselves and resolving issues? Absolutely not. My dad is a narc and everything looks perfect on the outside. He makes a fat salary, he has a beautiful home, a seemingly happy family (not), a country club membership... I could go on and on and on... but he is a miserable son of a bitch. Narcs put no effort into self exploration... all their energy is spent on creating this illusion of a perfect life. Keep doing the hard work... trust me... he's got nothing on you :)
Nicole96
Nicole96's picture
High-level narcissists
It might help to look into these high-level narcissists: Armand Hammer Pablo Picasso Ayn Rand Frank Lloyd Wright Despite their "success" they ultimately were never truly happy. The painful truths finally seemed to catch up with them at some point.
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture
also... hitler
also... hitler
Susan32
Susan32's picture
The key is "seems"
After the ex-Psych professor D&D'd me for his curator girlfriend, the two got married after he impregnated her with twins. He got tenure. On the surface, he seemed successful. He still hasn't gotten his book published (like THAT was ever gonna happen) And, from 9 year old news, his parents are LIVING WITH HIM and raising his kids. Most professors rely on daycare, or their spouses go on mommy track, or have students as nannies--but he relies on his parents. LOL The ex-Narc boss who enjoyed bullying his employees got fired 8 months after me. He's supposed to be the dietary supervisor at a nursing home that was SUPPOSED to have opened 2 years ago. The success is just an appearance. And Ns/Ps are all about appearance.
Rinalda
Rinalda's picture
Thank you for the wise words of support
Thank you, all, for your posts. They helped me get through the day. I am still scared of having to witness his next sexual conquest because I'm trapped with him at work. And I HATE the fact that his ego constantly gets reinforced. But I will try to rememeber these wise words and see him for the pathetic charade he is. It's true that someone so desperate for attention and approval isn't really winning.
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture
nothing ever works out for a true Narc
Think about what u said "on the surface". That's all they are capable of and its false pride and a total facade. They are true monsters that exploite GOOD people into feeling worthless if that person doesn't give them what they want. Trust me, that man is my husband and it hurts. He wants to move on from our latest crisis, but I am hurt so I am having trouble forgetting. So what does he do? Insults, ignores and looks around for praise at work. A mentally healthy man would show you with his actions that he will make his wrong, right. A Narc will PRETEND to be that man who is right and demean you any chance he gets! Sweetie, nothing will ever work out for him. It will always be gimme gimme and its never enough. Any real woman will see that and join us!