Why do we fall for the act?

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#1 Jun 17 - 1PM

Qing Yuan

Why do we fall for the act?

What I want to get into is why do we fall for the act?
I know there is talk abotu red flags and alarm bells which I can see now.
Barbera also mentined the chemical thing that they use, oxytocin and others.. to pull you into there mind set..
(I recently presented a study on oxytocin to my breastfeeding group, its very intersting to think that evil people who must have been starved of oxytocin and love hormones at birth and beyond, that they know how to tap into that for evil means... thats mad right??... I guess they crave it, being starved off it and then they know early relationships, dating and first sex is how they can get it.. and get the person high too) BUT Why do they not want to feel loved and give love???

Anyway. I just am baffled that I didn't see it here this time..

I saw it before because my relationships that went wrong and wrong quickly were always with men who lacked compassion and empathy.. I knew it nearly from the outset though. I could see it, feel it and almost trip over it with those guys...they just didn't have the capacity for intimacy and were often outwardly aggressive.. It was no surprise...

SO imagine how shocked I feel that I got tricked into thinking Narc husband was someone real and open?!!!???

I set out to find myself a fully feeling intimate kind and loving man..

(Probably should have set out to find the relationship with myself first, I see that now)

And then I met my husband... My Narc husband used every word, compliment.. One morning he woke up next to me in bed and said 'Vix, you are exquisitely beautiful" OMG I fell for it too.. he said all the right things at the right time and touched me in all the right ways.. He seemed intimate and soft. He was gentle, (sexually too to begin with) he listened to everything I said, lsitened to my poetry, he hung on my words and almost read my mind. He laughed at my jokes and told me he thought my job and other key stuff about me was great..

I thought at last. this is the one... he is real and open and honest... yeay... I was so smitten.. I let him do what he wanted and slowly followed into a pit of abuse..

What I dont get is.. How can they do this and then switch it off. I saw and knew first hand, what narc men who were NOT capable of intimacy and being real were like and it ended pretty quick.. BUT If they are not capable of intimacy, which we know true NARCS are not, then how come some of them can 'act' intimate, 'pretend' to be close and personal and show you affection etc.. how come some NARCS can be that..

That is devient manipulation to the max isnt it???

Its when you start to see how they use the infoamtion they have gleaned out of your long intimate chats to use on you and to hurt. When they know your deepest fear and insecurities and they use that knowledge to shame you and ridicule you..

Then it gets sacry right??

But why do we not see through it. I saw through others more quickly and move on pretty quick too. Guess they just werent his calibre..
I have tried to be intimate like we use to be on occasions and what happned is its always about sex..
I tried to get him to listen to me once like he used to but he barked at me to stop banging on about my problems and insecuruies. He said "Well I have heard it before" you dont need to re-hash that stuff"
I tried to touch his face once and he flinched and pulled away..
I guess I jst dont get how you can switch it on and off when you feel like it.
If they hate it that much, they do a good job of hiding that dont they at the beggining.

Its just somethign that I thought was well odd...

#2 Jun 18 - 3AM

Scoop

In the past week or so i

In the past week or so i have been thinking back to the very first interactions with my narc because that was where the brain washing started . It was summer and i spent all day in bed with him on a high , an oxytocin high . We had sex for england and he just wanted to be naked the whole time , in fact he complained if i put any cloths on .I remember one evening and we where talking as we did every night and i had a jolt and i looked at him and said "you are trying to control me " he said "no no no im not " and i stood up and pointed at him and said "yes you are " ... this was my last moment of clarity untill i went right under .He did hypnotize me , very slowly and very deeply . Heres the million dollor question ,Did he know he was doing it ?Did he have a formula. Thinking back to how he kept saying at the d&d " i never wanted a relationship with you ... you wanted me , you chased me " well thats just a load of bollock isnt it ...If he didnt want a relationship with me why did he go full out to make sure i was bonded and brain washed .. the vampie wanted to bleed me dry .. yuck ...yuck ..yuck .. So now i am no contact he must be very hungrey ....excelent ....

#3 Jun 17 - 5PM

cynthia (not verified)

Vix

Good questions, I think they can turn it on and off because its NOT REAL, they are acting. I have another question I wonder if someone can answer. Do you think because they are sociopaths/psychopaths that that gives them the skills to act and con so many? Is it the disorder they have that gives them those abilities? Or maybe because they ARE disordered the conning and taking victims for a ride is just natural for them, they can act so good because they dont really have a true self, so they just act and role play all their lives projecting off of other people to form who they are. They mold into different personalities depending on who they are with? I always knew when mine was up to something or had something to hide from me, he would increase his contact and really bring on the act, charm and pretended to be so fasinated with me, then just like that calls stopped, I couldnt get in touch with him, well come to find out he was on vacation, he would actually try to convince me he was at work when the bastard was on a vacation, (we were long distance) I got to be soo perceptive of this that the last time he pulled that crap I said to myself, I'll be he is going on vacation soon, and sure enough I was right. He was something else he would say call me back in 30 minutes when I am out of the office, ya right your LIAR you arent even in the same state let alone at work, I would just play along with it, never call him back then he would call 3 days later and say, hey where have you been? They are sooo sick and dangerous, and we have to ask ourselves why do we want to even know or talk to someone who lies 24-7, its a waste of our time, you spend half the time trying to figure out if what they just said was a lie, or an act, or maybe half the truth, who wants to live like that, let alone be in a relationship with someone like that. Then they get mad as hell at you for catching them in their lie and throw some stupid projection crap at you, or shift blame. That helped me with NC, my mind and life was so screwed up trying to figure out what was a lie and what wasnt, I said to hell with this I need to get away from this deformed individual.

#4 Jun 17 - 5PM

Steph

It is odd, isn't it? and

It is odd, isn't it? and that's the crazymaking and cognitive dissonance part of it all..... You see them nice and affectionate and it seems so sincere, yet you also experience their coldness and rage. spend everyday for months trying to figure out which is the real side. takes a long time for it to sink in that the niceness is all a facade.

#5 Jun 17 - 5PM

hitandrun

Vix

It's almost beyond comprehension isn't it? Mine seemed like the perfect man...he said and did all the right things until the very end when he turned into a cold-hearted bastard because I knew WAY TOO MUCH. I wonder if real men have the ability to be that intimate, to be that good in bed, to communicate with you all the time just like you always dreamed of...too good to be true...AND IT WAS.

#6 Jun 18 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

Qing Yuan

SAme story..

The one before my husband, made my life the most happiest place on earth. We travelled, had glorious holidays infact, (though once he cheated on me while we were away and I didnt realise at all until after, accept for the gut wrenching feeling of jelousy of woman, she was wither her new husband, we made friends with them in Crete. AND I was passive as hell) But yea he was attentive, listened to every word I said, followed me round when I was naked and watched me work out etc etc, and then one day he just asked me to leave and I fell into total self destruction for him... Its true and I guess normal people can't maintain that level fo deception... I understand how you feel so deeply.. right now.. I have just sat and looked at ALL the old photos of out 7 year relationship (Im spring cleaning)and I cant believe how when I 'used' to look at those picture perfect snaps of two young deliriously happy people (Its over 12 years ago since we broke up, now.. ) I used to kill myself wanting him back...I felt empty without him.. he did nothing but pull me in and out but he never really wanted me, he did that for years and years. I was never going to be good enough for him. He married a Korean model with a millionaire father.. Funny days.. So I just know that with Narcissism the lengths these gusy goto becasue there brains are wored up differntly, is quite unbelievable to the likes of you and me.

#7 Jun 17 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

smileyfacepr

omg!!

I also thought he was too good to b true..and he was..he was my perfect dream..there was nothing I would have changed about him..nothing...UNTIL....the mask started slipping off!! No matter how confused and hurt we r, I believe God has saved us from something worse w/them!!! But all our questions will be answered someday!! hugs

smileyfacepr

#8 Jun 17 - 3PM

enoughalready

vix

Of what I've read and I have had asked this same question to myself-they scout us out from the get go. Narcs look for the nice, vulnerable, ever-forgiving, servant type of person. They listen very intently of your likes/dislikes etc and start working at making u fall in love w/ them. They make u feel so comfortable to the point where u relax and share all of your insecurities and fears. They say all the promising sweet words to get you hooked. Once you are brainwashed and very secure w/ your relationship-that's when they start into the torture/sadistic behavior. It's really sickening when you think about it. Here I was-sacrificing my time and my family for a man who only wanted to "use" me for his own selfish reasons. He used my words against me. He used my words and personality to get what he wanted. He used other people around me for his liking. No wonder I had no energy towards the last year. He cheated, lied and decieved me knowing full well his intent of using me. I'm sure he's scouted out other women the same time he was saying "I love you", "you r the one" all words, no action. They are what they do not what they say! And honestly, I truly believe they are the devil"s servants. Their sole intent is to use, abuse, discard, and devalue human beings so they can feed their empty carcass. They are master manipulators, great actors, and ultimate decievers. And I never thought I'd meet and sleep w/ the devil!

#9 Jun 20 - 3AM (Reply to #8)

girlfriday

enoughalready

Your post brought up lots of memories of quotes from him... "I love vulnerability. It makes my spine tingle." When I sent him a pic of my room he said, "This is very good for profiling you." When I said, dreamily, "Where did you COME from???" He responded, "Your psyche, apparently." And lastly, he said "People are what they do, not what they say." Need I say more?

#10 Jun 20 - 3AM (Reply to #9)

NancyM

girlfriday

It is amazing how they sometimes tell us what they are and we think they are joking?!? Thinking back to the profiling period I am remembering too some weird things. After coming out of my second relationship I deliberately stayed single because I needed to get my head right again. I worked in a male dominated workforce and probably repelled some genuinely nice guys, but along the way there was some narc attacks. I worked with my xN and I went to him for help because things were getting very weird at work and he was in a position to do something. Anyway I remember saying that I was sick to death of pandering to male egos. He stared at me with this really weird look on his face and kept repeating what I said under his breath. I remember thinking it strange at the time but later forgot all about it. He struck almost 2 years later. I realize now that with other things he said that he profiled me for over 2 years.

Nevergoback

#11 Jun 20 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

girlfriday

they tell you who they are

Mine also said he was a "bullshi**er." Said "You shouldn't listen to anything I say." Said that writers lie.(his profession) That he was an actor (not his profession) Told me of things he'd done to others that clearly revealed poor character. And he eventually admitted that he's a "lying piece of sh**" and a con artist. And when I said, "You're a really good liar," he replied, "Good liar??? I'm a GREAT liar." So now the million dollar question is: What in ME made/makes me continue forward with this person in any way?...It's [almost] embarrassing. That really is the question. It puts the focus back where it belongs. On ourselves and our growth.

#12 Jun 17 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

rainbow1

enoughalready

You are right. They do scout you out and study you. The second day that I knew my N he asked me what my pet peeves were. And guess what? Of course he never did any of those things in the beginning! I started to think that this was my soul mate! He matched everything I ever wanted in someone. This is how they get you...... If I hear that question from someone else I barely know I will run next time!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#13 Jun 17 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

Susan32

Armchair psychoanalyst

My ex-P (who was definitely more of a psychopath) played armchair psychoanalyst from the get-go. He claimed he knew my motives, my thoughts, my feelings... and sometimes he was right. What was creepy was that if I defended myself in class discussions, he'd say, "You're defending yourself from me." All my other professors didn't mind if I stood up for my views, as long as I backed them up. They engaged with me intellectually. My ex-P would say "You're defending yourself from me" A LOT. My body would tighten when I was around him. He'd say "you're scaring me" if I showed ANY emotion. He'd make me read the same passages OVER AND OVER AND OVER in class intoning "Read that again, without emotion." He'd ask me odd questions about my religious faith,and his favorite question to me was "Why are you ALWAYS happy?" He claimed that I smiled and laughed around him was a defense mechanism--when my friends can say I was exhibiting the normal behaviors of a girl who has a crush. He thought my smiles and laughter were defense mechanisms and weren't for real. He'd tell me over and over,"You're not a happy person" and that I didn't take life seriously. He'd ask me what I liked... but if I asked him what he liked, he'd act as if it were none of my business. He had strange rules... if I called him, I wasn't allowed to say "have a nice day" or "have a nice evening" to conclude, I could only say "bye" or "goodbye." It felt unnatural to me, to NOT wish someone a good day. Even cashiers say that. He claimed my feelings for him were a diversion... THAT was the ultimate insult during the D&D. It was REALLY strange... the only things that angered him were when I was happy and/or I wanted him to be happy. It didn't make any sense. Didn't strike me as HUMAN at all.

#14 Jun 17 - 3PM (Reply to #3)

Qing Yuan

for sure.. You are right..

Yea i think next time I will defo not be so gullable.. I can see the warning signs looking back over it... wish I seen it then in the light that I can see it now but I guess I just didn't know that people could be that ruthless... Experience is the the best teacher eh.. But I think next time is not very likly as I feel too danaged to have another relationship with anyone. How can we trust anyones intentions after being tricked like this? I would always think genuine complements was narcs scouting.. Its sad that meeting people like this make you feel so scared and bitter. I dont feel like I can trust anyone now.. Thanks all.. x

#15 Jun 17 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

Susan32

The predators seeking their prey

I felt the same way. My ex-P's ruthlessness was chilling. When I went NC on him (after finding out that he already had a girlfriend), I suspect he was the one who smeared me with the teacher education program I was in. It was 9:30 at night... and one of the professors called me, telling me not to come back, that I was "dangerous to children" and "be professional, so don't tell anyone." I suspect it was him... because I had let him by a reference for this program BEFORE I went NC. I'm sure he wanted me to come crying to him, upset, angry---but I kept NC. What particularly frightened me about my ex-P was that as a student, he was my teacher. He was supposed to be a trusted authority figure, and instead he was a psychopath with delusions of godhood. He was a predator, not a teacher. And he claimed he was "teaching me a lesson." The worst predators claim the purest of intentions.

#16 Jun 17 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

Qing Yuan

your story is so dark

Yes I cant help by feel chilled by this. I wonder where Narcissim is in our society, Judges, teachers, doctors, lawyers, politicians, Its scary to think about it.. Imagine getting a bigot narc judge for a custody battle with narc ex-husband... Its a horrible thought isnt it? thanks for sharing. Is hitting home much more how devious they guys can be... Yes the worst predators can be in the places they just should not be.. I went to a catholic school. There was male teacher there who abused the little boys. I rember him. Thankfully he didnt touch girls.. He used to take th boys off and touch them.. . He worked there for twenty years befoer he got caught... Its very scary stuff... On that note.. Stay strong and remember that there is also a lot of light and love in the world.. xxx

#17 Jun 17 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

Susan32

Out of the darkness... into the light

My ex-P has taught at the same college since '96 (he's still there). After the D&D (I considered him a friend), a friend told me, "You're not his first victim"--and my response was the chilling, "Nor his last." It terrifies me to this day... not the same way as it did a decade ago. He's not in the same town or state as me... but still, there are memories. There are scars. What triggered me coming to this board is what happened early on in the "relationship." In my freshman lab class (my ex-P was the teacher,it was the ONLY class of his I was enrolled in),I was befriending my lab partner. She was really sweet, with elfin features. Then my ex-P broke up our budding friendship,pitting us against each other. She believed ALL his smears about me. He liked our rivalry over him. So, we didn't end up friends, but I think she was closer to him than me. Then... around the time of the D&D, I had a dream about her. We were reconciling. I forgave her for believing his lies, and she repented. We were at a reunion, talking cordially over cocktails. In the meantime, she stayed behind and became one of the ex-P's colleagues,a chorus professor. Now for the triggering event... last year, I found out this young woman, my former lab partner,died in January. It came as a shock. How could a 40 year old woman, who was otherwise healthy, die in her sleep? Her cause of death was never given... so no closure. Nothing like a stroke, an aneurysm, or congenital heart defect. Considering her closeness to my ex-P, it made me wonder. On a lighter note, there is still goodness in the world. The whole D&D helped me appreciate my REAL friends. There is friendship, there is love, there is light, even when everything is in darkness.

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