Why don't we fall in love with other empaths?

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#1 Jan 19 - 8PM

NarcJunkie

Why don't we fall in love with other empaths?

Ok, I get it why we attract narcs but it's not that nice and genuine and empathetic guys/gals are never attracted to us right? Is it because the narcs are just naturally better predators and sweep us off our feet before the others even muster up the courage to say hi?

I have spent most of last summer with a male friend of mine and the more time we spent together the more I felt attracted to him because I realized that he's great company, has real interests, is sensitive and smart, doesn't hide his bad side or weaknesses, doesn't fake to be the perfect mate etc.
But he never made a move, and since there is a major incompatibility and I am now listening to my red flags I never pushed it either.
Well, recently he confessed to me that he thought we'd be good together and got almost angry that I didn't want to be with him. He said: See? When a nice guy comes along, you push him away.
But I didn't push him away! I was there all that time. He never made a move. And maybe that's old-fashioned but yes, I'd like a guy to "claim" me as his woman... to at least show me he wants me.
The only reason Narc-Boy got me because he totally went in for the kill before I ever had the chance to actually get to know him.

I'd love to hear your opinions on this. Anyone have any experience dating non-narcs?

#2 Jan 22 - 5PM

Deidre40

we tend to fall in love with

we tend to fall in love with the role model we grew up with. if that person was abusive...whether a mother, father, guardian, etc...we tend to look for that in a lover. as it's all we 'know' when it comes to love. love somehow for many of us has come to equal pain. and we think that by dating what we grew up with, we somehow will heal from all that childhood pain. this is just one take. my take. for this is true for me. but, for others, it may vary. i will say that no man or woman will ever 'un do' the ill effects of your childhood. by refusing to date a narcissist...you break that childhood cycle of pain being equated with love. love should never equal pain. while narcs may still test the waters with us, we should be astute to understanding this about ourselves, and trying our hardest to stay away from anyone who exhibits abusive or narcissistic traits.

#3 Jan 27 - 10AM (Reply to #15)

ReclaimingPower

Wow, I love this response --

Wow, I love this response -- it so resonates, deeply. I've done so much work on myself the last few months with far more to go....but I just dipped my toes in the dating waters again. It's so different -- the quality of men who are surfacing are far and away different and better and the only thing I keep hoping for is at least a SLIVER of attraction. I am so open to allowing it to progress SLOWLY and see if it grows BUT there has to be at least a small spark. Hopeful but patient....

#4 Jan 22 - 11AM

rosedewittbukater

Yeah...

I'm kind of experiencing something like this now. Dating new person who seems nice. Yawn

#5 Jan 21 - 6PM

IncognitoBurrito

Maybe

Maybe because we're not healthy, and we are not attracting healthy people to us. We'd probably relate to other empaths on more of a friendship level. For attraction, we think we need that edgier feel, that spicy flavor to liven it up a bit. You probably wouldn't have as much of that edge in a nice, sweet relationship where both are emotionally mature and understanding of one another. Maybe we tend to get bored of those types of relationships? Just some thoughts.

#6 Jan 20 - 1PM

Anonymus

because....

...the few male empaths fall in love with the few female narcissists... LOL!!! If there were more out there it would probably be different, but I think it's maybe gender segmented?? Women tend to empathy, men tend to narcissism. Normal men on the other hand are a bit terrified of me... to much of a strong character, so no, no experiences yet. XX! C

#7 Jan 20 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

NarcJunkie

It's true

I know a few nice guys, and they're too shy to flirt, so they get picked up by narcettes, get used and dumped and consequently flirt even less... :(

#8 Jan 20 - 6AM

penny

Good Question!

"Why don't we fall in love with other empaths?" We do! They are called "unconscious empaths." There are some people who are labeled as "narcs" but they are absorbing crap around them and they act out because of it and we are absorbing crap around us and acting out and then we both turn around and blame the other person for making us feel bad or trying to hurt us on purpose. It is unconscious behavior. Personally I have been both unconsciously empathic and consciously empathic. I prefer the latter!! :)

#9 Jan 20 - 5AM

greengirl91

I would like to answer to

I would like to answer to this through some quotes I`ve read, something like..Maybe we all fall in love with what we are missing inside ourselfs. They lack empathy, conscience, genuine care for another. We have it. We lack insanity, crazyness. They have it, lol! Nee, I`m kidding. Maybe we always want what we cannot have. All of us. I had a post somewhat like this earlier, and I believe in my case, the Narcs wake up a side of me. Maybe there is 10% or more of a Narc in me too, like the inverted narcisist thing. The animal within recognizes the animal out. Most of the Narcs as we call them live outside of their comfort zone, take risks often (often crazy), they live in chaos, and LIKE chaos. This so far does not sound so bad, doesn`t it? BUT, living only in the now, and having always "your way" with the price of other people`s suffering and tears, nope. To hurt people purposely, again no way. That`s what "narc" means. I thought he was a wounded soul, like myself. With unmet needs, lost in this world. BUT, after the D&D, and a series of push and pulls over and over and over again, purposely, I was like. NO, this person doesn`t know pain. A person who KNOWS pain, has been hurt many times, when is faced with the choice of doing the same, he won`t. He screwed me in a fraction of a second, abandoned me without a thought or move of conscience. A person who knows pain does not enjoy inflicting it. These people do. Somebody did a terrific job to breaking their souls once. Or maybe they never had them. Ah, got lost in the details, sorry for the long post. Peace!

#10 Jan 22 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

rosedewittbukater

Greengirl

I think you are right on. xN awakened qualities in me I thought were long dead. But I also agree with everything else you said, including that they have a conscious disregard for the feelings of others. Peace, Rose

#11 Jan 24 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

greengirl91

Thank you Rose. I believe you

Thank you Rose. I believe you said in one of your comments, "we have to love ourselfs enough, to stay away and not come back to the mess." which is absolutely true. Hugs!

#12 Jan 21 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

NarcJunkie

What you wrote really resonates with me, greengirl

The Narc definitely had something I am yearning for. A strong yet soft male presence that adores and protects me. I haven't yet found out how I can generate that within myself. But that is exactly what unlocks my heart, and this little idiot boy, he was so good at that, like a hungry animal cracking open a sweet fruit. So yeah, he woke me up, made me feel beautiful and alive.. when really he was just slowly sucking me dry! And like you said, I thought he was a wounded soul, lost and striving for freedom and happiness like me. Who wouldn't think that he knows pain and suffering, with all the tears he shed telling me about his unhappy childhood, with all the grief and guilt he seemed to feel about ending his relationship. It was almost spooky how sensitive he was. He would pick up the smallest vibe from me, I could never hide it from him when I was upset. So I actually thought he must be an empath. But you're so right. A person who has experienced pain, who knows what suffering is, will not consciously inflict pain on another person. This really confuses me. I thought narcs also suffer even though they put on a facade. How is it that some people develop compassion through suffering and others turn into narcs and psychopaths? It always seemed so obvious to me that the narc was miserable and insecure inside. And yet there is no kindness in him, no understanding that other people's pain is as real as his own... weird.

#13 Jan 24 - 6AM (Reply to #6)

greengirl91

NJunkie, from what I have

NJunkie, from what I have read narcisism is developed as a mechanism to cope, with the environment/people they grow with. Just like codependency. I have read fragments from a book called "A child called IT", about one of the most horryfing cases of abuse in a family, a boy molested by his mother. He explains in some fragments there, that in order to survive, he had to learn and play "Mother`s cruel games". BUT he fought, and didn`t let her kill his being, his soul. This is just one "happy case" if you will, and people who grew with self absorbed parents can identify a lot with that.. The difference, between all this, and these Narcs/Toxic people we were involved with, is that for them, the transformation/ process is arleady complete. They feel SATISFACTION when they hurt other people! This is not normal, and certainely not HUMAN. In those few moments after I was being last D&Ded, I was looking at him (among other 1000 dumb questions that were running in my head) was, "How many times, how many "D&Ds" did that man had, to be turned into this heartless being?" I don`t know. And don`t care to know anymore.

#14 Jan 19 - 11PM

BunnyBlue

Wow, yes, excellent question!

I personally can't stand men like that! They pretend to be your friend, when what they really want is to be your boyfriend. Then they throw a fit when you don't read their minds. I should probably know by now that no straight man who wants to spend a lot of time alone with you wants to be just a friend - even if they're married. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I really appreciate it when a man makes his intentions clear from the start, and, yes, I believe that's a big part of why I fell for the narc, because he basically said, "Hello, I love you, want to get married?" I've had more than one passive-aggressive man like your friend explode on me when I started dating someone else, and what a turn off! I believe these kinds of men can actually be dangerous because of one particular incident. This guy explicitly played the friendship card, which put me at ease and allowed him to get close to me, and then when I was away on vacation he "redecorated" my apartment with hearts and flowers and pictures of himself and his children! He left one of those "nobody will love you like I do" notes, and when I showed it to my psychiatrist, she said don't speak to this man ever again, change your locks, and report him to the police if he contacts you again. Since then I'm wary when I sense a temper tantrum brewing under the nice guy facade. In my experience, they're usually hurt and angry at some woman from their past, and they feel like they're owed something. And they may well target "nice" women the same way narcs do. Or maybe they're just clueless about women. Just because I'm a nice person doesn't mean I want to be your girlfriend.

#15 Jan 20 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

NarcJunkie

Well yeah

in the case of my male friend, I know he's capable of pretty bad temper tantrums. I've seen him do that (plus silent treatment) to another girl he used to hang out with and had a crush on. I kinda thought she had narced him until I realized that she may well have done exactly what I did... spend a lot of time with him, get to know him, like him a lot, consider him as a mate, but noticing a few incompatibilities, hesitating, then finally deciding to just stay friends since he's not making a move anyways. At which point he then gets hurt and angry. And yeah, really close friendships between straight men and women are probably not possible. Or will at least get complicated if you allow too much emotional intimacy. I gotta add, though, that the guy got over it and apologized and is friends with the girl again. He IS a good guy. If it weren't for the 3 red flags, I'd totally have him. But what dateable guys does that leave us with then? At this point in my life I pretty much believe that ALL guys who use the straight-forward approach of flirting and pursuing us are Narcs! And ALL the nice guys are too afraid of rejection, so they simply let us slip away... surely that can't be true?

#16 Jan 27 - 2AM (Reply to #3)

BunnyBlue

Just my experience

I'm in my 40s, and I've only had 3 long-term relationships (including the narc), but the first two were with great guys who were very up-front about their intentions. I nearly fell in love with my ex-husband on our first date because he said, "I don't want to be your friend, I want to be your boyfriend." And I've dated a few others more recently who also weren't afraid to say up front that they wanted a relationship, but it just didn't work out, and they respectfully stayed away when we broke up. So there are men of good character out there, and I don't think I was just lucky. I've met a lot of men that are either so tentative it's pathetic or basically liars pretending to want friendship when they want anything but. I was friends with a man I worked with for years, we talked every day, had lunch a few times a week, even socialized outside of work with my then-husband. When I got divorced and started dating (not him), he wouldn't speak to me, just glared at me when I walked by. I used to think it was my fault when a guy would get the wrong idea, like I was overly friendly or something. But then I realized I'm nice to everyone, and 99% of people don't take it as a come on. The ones that do have a problem. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a man to be honest. If he can't tell the truth about his intentions, I wouldn't trust him to tell the truth about much else. It is confusing, because narc's seem to be brave in declaring their love, but I think a good guy will be clear about what he wants from you in a way that makes you comfortable, not pressured. I wish it hadn't taken me 45 years to figure that out, but I can thank the narc for that lesson.

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