Even if you say awful, nasty, hurtful things to them will they come back?

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#1 Apr 22 - 5PM
Monica's picture

Even if you say awful, nasty, hurtful things to them will they come back?

When my xN started the D&D last month, fairly suddenly, I was the one who didn't even let him finish the D&D I broke it off and blocked him from everything but my work phone, which I cannot block. But before I blocked him, I totally went off on him over the course of several days. I said the meanest, most awful, but TRUE things to him about what he was, his disorder, that he was a user and an abuser, that he better not crawl back to me with his crocodile tears next time he has a life crisis and finds himself all alone in the world. I told him he had no idea what love was, did not know how to love or be loved, and had no idea what intimacy was. I asked him if he was gay (because I truly thought that possibility was there) and he denied it. Through it all, he simply begged me to stay his friend,, that he didn't want to lose me as a friend, but I refused that and just went at him until everything was blocked once and for all.

Will an N try to come back at some time in the future even though you have treated them so badly and said the most awful (TRUE) things to them?

Dec 28 - 2PM

Did your ex ever contact you again ?

Apr 30 - 7AM
Ladydb123's picture

Why do we Care!

Why do we care? I guess it's because we are caring, empathic and compassionate woman. It has just been so hard for me to wrap my head around just how sick and disordered this man is. He is worse than my ex-husband and my brother. I think it's because he has money. Yes, I want to tell him I found the man of my dreams that treats me like a Queen...but that would be a lie right now. I don't want to stump to his level, but I could lol. I hope he is miserable and his supply is running low. So for right now all I can say is "You can't Touch This".
Apr 29 - 7PM


Ditto to Validity Seeker and Helldweller. The *only* thing that kept the N away from me for good was telling him I found another boyfriend and had slept with him. It's the biggest ego whallop you can give them. They can't work around it because now their "property/toy" is soiled and everything he was terrified of (abandonment, loss of control, looking at other men, etc) becomes true. I think this works for most of them. You just have to be sure that you're in a safe place and you don't ever go back after telling them this (if true or not) because they will seek even worse revenge. It did the trick for me. P.S. I remember when I said that to the N he replied, "Now you've gone and ruined it". Yep. That was the idea. :)
Apr 28 - 10PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Early in my recovery, I secretly wished despite how awful things were, how abusive they were, how utterly degrading they were, how outrageously disrespectful they were, how much in illusion I was trapped in - that he would at some point "contact me"... In hindsight, I am lucky he did not... This is a natural normal question, as for me I wanted validation, an apology, closure or to fix things, I was so stuck in the abyss of dysfunction I could not find my behind to my elbow without a road map...I was brainwashed, hoodwinked, gaslighted and essentially in a walking vegitative state totally unaware of what the REALITY was regarding this disorder, what it means and how destructive it was to me, nevermind abusive. Whether he comes back or not, the key thing here is to remember he is harmful, he is dangerous, this relationship was all an illusion of our doing, we created the illusion of that "great" guy we think or hope will magically come back...for whatever purpose. The REALITY is, what we fell in love with DOES NOT EXIST and therefore whether it comes back or not...IT being the operative word, we have no need for it, and have to get really mentally healthy again from the assault to realize we have not desire for it. The desire lies in a dream we have a dream we created, an illusion we lived in. Just like there is no Santa Claus...that man we loved - he doesn't exist...and so if IT does return, keep in mind you're dealing with a STRANGER...of the DANGER kind. Hugs!
Apr 25 - 10AM
helldweller's picture

Even if you say nasty things to them

They come back or don't leave. I called my narc every filthy name I knew or could make up, and he just loved it. He used it as ammo against me: "Honey, you say the most awful things to me and I never say anything bad about you." I hit him, punched him, caled him a pussy and a sissy, an asshole and a J-O, told him he had no penis, no balls, no brain, was ugly and wrinkled and shriveled up, was a pedophile, a faggot (sorry, nothing against same sex couples but he was too much of a sissy to admit he liked men), a loser, a piece of sh*t, and couldn't have a relationship with a woman to save his life. The police came numerous times, and he's a judge. I was utterly amazed that even after the law was involved he wouldn't stop. You know what stopped him? Not filing a police report. Not telling everyone he knows about what he did. Not starting a blog about him or calling the top reporters at the Chicago Tribune. Not my finding out about his six other women. He still tried to keep me after that. What finally shut him up was telling him that I had sex with another man.
Apr 29 - 5PM (Reply to #43)
findingmeagain's picture

Yeah I agree over the course

Yeah I agree over the course of my relationship this man would constantly start it up with me and then when i defend myself he goes into victim act. The reason he would do this is because the other personality was hurt and then probably wondering why did she say that to me i'm a nice guy. I know this is crazy but from what I saw the other day I'm positive dude has split personalities . He then goes out and cheats and uses this "woe is me" crap with the other women. And their dumb butts fall for it everytime, I'm not sure how many there were but he has cheated on me with several women . I only know of two and just recently found out about both of them . One I found out thru facebook in Jan. The other I found out also thru facebook when I was sitting here and she poked him and it came thru the email. Some kind of way it did instant login and I saw everything ! smh So when they play victim usually its for some sick justification to cheat .
Apr 28 - 10PM (Reply to #41)
ValiditySeeker's picture

SaMe here

After we broke up (but he still tried to act like a boyfriend and get sex from me) he stayed in contact for a year via letters and messages. I always wrote back. The last letter involved me writing about my new boyfriend and how great he was. Never heard from narc boy again. Ever. He was married in a year. I think he got new supply ASAP after the letter. He certainly couldnt be alone!
Apr 30 - 12PM (Reply to #42)
findingmeagain's picture

Wow its the opposite for me

Wow its the opposite for me if this man thinks someone else is around he then tries to get me back. I swear he is a narc with two different personalities. Its like two people inside his mind. One person is the narc , the other is the supposed victim. Smh when he is nice its one personality and when he is mean its the narc. Smh lawd what have I been with all these years ?!
Apr 25 - 9AM
Susan32's picture

Just very passive-aggressively

Whenever I've broken NC and said nasty things to the ex-Psych professor, it's cloaked in niceness, and the message ends with well wishes, happiness, blessings, and hopes that he's enjoying personal&professional success. It's the stuff that comes before it that's the kicker. Because it's cloaked in cloying sentimental sweetness. The ex-P HATED HATED HATED being ridiculed. When he thought I was mocking him (all I'd be was giggly&cheerful)... he'd flee. When the senior skit mocked him, and one of his male disciples LOUDLY pointed out that fact, he got up and ran out. He didn't respond to ridicule very well. So if he came back saying I had mocked a former teacher cruelly, I'd dismiss him as humorless (which he is) I KNOW the ex-P liked me being openly angry towards him. He would've wanted me to go off on him, call him names, tell him that I hate him. When I told him that my classmates despised him, he was grinning ecstatically, as if he were having an orgasm. So I realized being angry&calling vile names was NOT the way to go. After all, how would a tenured prof handle being compared to a tantrum-throwing toddler, then being wished happiness&God's blessings in his life? It's confusing.
Apr 25 - 9AM (Reply to #39)
Susan32's picture

He hasn't contacted me...

In 11 years. Not through email, postal service, etc. I think I scared him away. The senior skit sent him running.
Apr 23 - 1AM
Scoop's picture

they do try and come back

they do try and come back even after you can say anything you want to them it makes zero diffrence and heres my take on why , i think it has to do with the way the narc sees everyone like himself , he finds it ipossible to see you as a seperate person , when the narc says terrible things to you its not based in any emotion its just words that gets him controle at that moment in time and when that time has passed the words have passed .. seriously, sometimes my narc completly forgot what he had said and even looked suprised he had said something .So it is natural to think that the narc thinks what we say good or bad is coming from the same place as him ie not emotional and meaningless ... The other reason i believe is his fear of abandonment is what drives him so the fear of loosing supply out weighs anything you can say . I have an exsample i said to him "fuck off i hate you you make me sick , i want you dead , i never what to see you again " .. he said " what do you want for dinner ?".....they live in la la land and there is no fighting them ..... I long since learnt it dosnt matter what i say to him he dosnt go away .. it is us that has to leave .
Apr 30 - 12PM (Reply to #37)
findingmeagain's picture

Okay this makes sense because

Okay this makes sense because I thought he was going sybil on me for a minute. I was like wth ! And when I asked him about all the things he told me the previous week he was like "what things". So it was all bull and he used it to get control again non of it was sincere smh . thanks for breaking it down .
Apr 25 - 10AM (Reply to #36)
helldweller's picture


have an exsample i said to him "fuck off i hate you you make me sick , i want you dead , i never what to see you again " .. he said " what do you want for dinner ?"..... This is so, so true! Mine left town without warning the weekend of my daughter's First Communion, and went to Las Vegas. It also happened to be Mother's Day weekend. I was on the phone constantly, incredulous, mortified, sobbing, screaming, baffled. He would not answer and would not call or text at all. He came home Sunday night and wanted to come over for sex. I called him every freaking name in the book and told him if he called me again I was going to come over to his house and rip his f ing head off. He said, "What time can I come, baby?"
Apr 23 - 6AM (Reply to #34)
Monica's picture

Scoop....you are so right!

He admitted his fear of abandonment. Early on, he would plead, sometimes near tears, "Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me." I said all those things you did and worse to him. His response? "You are my most trusted friend. I don't want to lose you as a friend." Fear. Complete and total fear of abandonment, no doubt. They don't want to "lose" us but they treat us like crap and dump us as soon as "better" supply comes along. But they want to keep us "available" if they even need to come badk to us, if their current supply fails them (as it always does and always will). I left. I blocked. I am totally silent now. He no longer exists for me. I do not miss him. I will never take him back and God help him if he tries.
Apr 30 - 12PM (Reply to #35)
findingmeagain's picture

Mines said "why would anyone

Mines said "why would anyone be alone, why would you want for me to be alone". I said so you can never be alone ? He said "why would anyone want to be". I never got an answer smh so thats his weakness being alone.
Apr 22 - 9PM
TLSM's picture


I said the most unimaginable and vile things to him-including I hope you die from a heroin overdose(he is 11 years sober.). Yeah,I know -pretty vicious. I hate that man. That was last August And he came back 2 times after that- the last planning to buy ring and propose. I am telling you that any deplorable word you say to them does not affect them in any shape or form. They feel nothing but fear and rage- no hurt feelings. I hope you aren't secretly wanting him to come back. I used to. Not anymore.
Apr 23 - 6AM (Reply to #32)
Monica's picture

TLSM...the ring and the proposal

Oh, mine said something about this, too. After days of raging at him (text and phone, I refused to see him in person) and saying every mean, TRUE, horrible thing in the book about him and TO him, he throws out something like, "Well what if I want us to be back together and I come to your place with a bubble gum machine with a ring in it?" I never saw much rage in him, even though I know it lurked under the surface all the time. But he was filled with fear, constantly, even though he tried to hide it.
Apr 22 - 10PM (Reply to #31)
Deidre40's picture

The truth behind these people

The truth behind these people is that they view any attention as a positive. Like celebs who say bad publicity is still better than none? That's a narc. If we are telling them off...they get attention. If we are showering them with compliments, they get attention. Attention keeps them alive. Good or bad. But, what kills their souls? SILENCE. But, I'm liking the silence. :=)
Apr 22 - 8PM
TovaBella's picture

Okay, I have a question...why

Okay, I have a question...why does it always seem like when they come back, everything has been going well for them? Where's the Karma? They use and abuse and then it always seems like they move on without a care in the world...will it come back to them ever?
Apr 30 - 12PM (Reply to #29)
findingmeagain's picture

THEY'RE LIARS he is lying if

THEY'RE LIARS he is lying if he said everything is good. If everything is good he wouldn't be knocking on your door. No nothing will be good for them in life. Think about it if you had to live your life depending on someone else to feel special or wanted. Thats got to be miserable.
Apr 25 - 9AM (Reply to #23)
Hunter's picture


Liars, users & losers! Don't believe one word they say! It's one big fantasy island for these guys! Hunter
Apr 25 - 10AM (Reply to #24)
TovaBella's picture

Is it horrible for me to ask this?

I've never been a vindictive person. But being used, abused and thrown away by this N is gnawing at me. I'm extremely empathic, love to help people (changing careers and currently a med student), strong, independent and love to share happiness with people. It it horrible for me to ask...what's the best way to get back at this N? NC has gone on for five weeks. On one hand, I'm happy about the NC, on the other though, I'm hurt...because he's made no attempts to make contact. Am I crazy? This must be the cognitive dissonance screwing with me. Ugh!
Apr 25 - 10AM (Reply to #25)
Hunter's picture


You're a medical student? Do your homework. There is no revenge, they hate being silenced and they hate being unmasked! Their mind and emotions are one pile of mishmosh! Stay as far away from him as possible, you will never win this battle! Hunter
Apr 25 - 11AM (Reply to #27)
TovaBella's picture

Thank you, Hunter.

Hunter, Yes, I'm a med student. I know...it isn't as if I don't have plenty to do. I hate that there's no type of revenge to get back at them though. I know you're right about not being able to win this battle and the last thing I want to do, is even attempt to stoop to this animal's level. I will say, I hope I never see him at the hospital I work at...if I do, I won't treat him...someone else will have too! Thank you for the reality check!
Apr 28 - 8PM (Reply to #28)
SoaperGirl's picture

Getting back at the Narc

I can tell you what I did ... I learned about the things that narcs most deeply fear like being inferior, inadequate, old and ugly, a fraud, all that stuff and threw it all in his face, and I twisted the knife but good!... the guy, my narc, had a huge public hysterical meltdown screaming "I was insane!" and ran off like a terrified, scared to death rabbit..he just completely lost it. Funniest thing I ever did see. Last I saw of him he looked thin and pale, very haggard and like he'd lost a lot of weight almost scarecrow like. I get the feeling life has not been kind to him lately. A gift from his old supply. hahaha.
Apr 25 - 10AM (Reply to #26)
Susan32's picture

I've done BOTH!

"They hate being silenced&they hate being unmasked"- Weird. Whenever I've broken NC, I've inflicted that pair of goodies on the ex-Psych prof. I think in a way he knows that if he contacted me, it would be a loss either way. He'd have NOTHING to gain. And he'd probably get laughed at. He hated being laughed at. I'd probably send him a huge LOL and Rebecca Black's "Friday" to torment him (he hated music anyhow) Friday, Friday, Gotta get down on Friday.
Apr 24 - 1PM (Reply to #20)
carol24's picture

That's how they make it seem.

TovaBella, They tell you that it's all going really well for them but that may not be the truth. It's in their nature to exaggerate all of their achievments and they would never admit to life going badly for them, not in a million years. That would be like admitting failure or inadequacy.
Apr 25 - 9AM (Reply to #21)
TovaBella's picture

NC is a blessing, but still hurts!

Carol24, Thank you for telling me that...I needed to hear it. I know for a fact that you're right. He lives a freakin dream world like they all do. Its been five weeks of not contact for me and a part of me is happy, while another part of me is devastated. Devastated because he hasn't attempted to contact me once...am I so easily forgotten? Talk about a blow to my already low self-esteem :(.
Apr 30 - 12PM (Reply to #22)
findingmeagain's picture

Oh don't worry he will be

Oh don't worry he will be back the question is how are you gonna handle it when he does? I know when mines come sniffing around I'm not going to answer the door .
Apr 23 - 7AM (Reply to #19)
deecbee's picture

I agree, it is a facade. I

I agree, it is a facade. I know for a fact the ex is miserable. Completely, hopelessly, miserable. And yet, right now he is painting his life as amazing- he was telling me about his girlfriend, and how she worships him, they're great together, he has a healthy social life, etc. Come to find out through a mutual (but distant) friend, that none of that is going on. His "girlfriend" is just an f-buddy that doesn't acknowledge him in public because she's embarrassed of him, and he's gaining weight and has become a hermit. These people make entire universes up in their heads and they believe it.