Even if you say awful, nasty, hurtful things to them will they come back?

Why do we care? I guess it's because we are caring, empathic and compassionate woman. It has just been so hard for me to wrap my head around just how sick and disordered this man is. He is worse than my ex-husband and my brother. I think it's because he has money. Yes, I want to tell him I found the man of my dreams that treats me like a Queen...but that would be a lie right now. I don't want to stump to his level, but I could lol. I hope he is miserable and his supply is running low. So for right now all I can say is "You can't Touch This".

Ditto to Validity Seeker and Helldweller. The *only* thing that kept the N away from me for good was telling him I found another boyfriend and had slept with him. It's the biggest ego whallop you can give them. They can't work around it because now their "property/toy" is soiled and everything he was terrified of (abandonment, loss of control, looking at other men, etc) becomes true. I think this works for most of them. You just have to be sure that you're in a safe place and you don't ever go back after telling them this (if true or not) because they will seek even worse revenge. It did the trick for me. P.S. I remember when I said that to the N he replied, "Now you've gone and ruined it". Yep. That was the idea. :)

Early in my recovery, I secretly wished despite how awful things were, how abusive they were, how utterly degrading they were, how outrageously disrespectful they were, how much in illusion I was trapped in - that he would at some point "contact me"... In hindsight, I am lucky he did not... This is a natural normal question, as for me I wanted validation, an apology, closure or to fix things, I was so stuck in the abyss of dysfunction I could not find my behind to my elbow without a road map...I was brainwashed, hoodwinked, gaslighted and essentially in a walking vegitative state totally unaware of what the REALITY was regarding this disorder, what it means and how destructive it was to me, nevermind abusive. Whether he comes back or not, the key thing here is to remember he is harmful, he is dangerous, this relationship was all an illusion of our doing, we created the illusion of that "great" guy we think or hope will magically come back...for whatever purpose. The REALITY is, what we fell in love with DOES NOT EXIST and therefore whether it comes back or not...IT being the operative word, we have no need for it, and have to get really mentally healthy again from the assault to realize we have not desire for it. The desire lies in a dream we have a dream we created, an illusion we lived in. Just like there is no Santa Claus...that man we loved - he doesn't exist...and so if IT does return, keep in mind you're dealing with a STRANGER...of the DANGER kind. Hugs!

They come back or don't leave. I called my narc every filthy name I knew or could make up, and he just loved it. He used it as ammo against me: "Honey, you say the most awful things to me and I never say anything bad about you." I hit him, punched him, caled him a pussy and a sissy, an asshole and a J-O, told him he had no penis, no balls, no brain, was ugly and wrinkled and shriveled up, was a pedophile, a faggot (sorry, nothing against same sex couples but he was too much of a sissy to admit he liked men), a loser, a piece of sh*t, and couldn't have a relationship with a woman to save his life. The police came numerous times, and he's a judge. I was utterly amazed that even after the law was involved he wouldn't stop. You know what stopped him? Not filing a police report. Not telling everyone he knows about what he did. Not starting a blog about him or calling the top reporters at the Chicago Tribune. Not my finding out about his six other women. He still tried to keep me after that. What finally shut him up was telling him that I had sex with another man.

Whenever I've broken NC and said nasty things to the ex-Psych professor, it's cloaked in niceness, and the message ends with well wishes, happiness, blessings, and hopes that he's enjoying personal&professional success. It's the stuff that comes before it that's the kicker. Because it's cloaked in cloying sentimental sweetness. The ex-P HATED HATED HATED being ridiculed. When he thought I was mocking him (all I'd be was giggly&cheerful)... he'd flee. When the senior skit mocked him, and one of his male disciples LOUDLY pointed out that fact, he got up and ran out. He didn't respond to ridicule very well. So if he came back saying I had mocked a former teacher cruelly, I'd dismiss him as humorless (which he is) I KNOW the ex-P liked me being openly angry towards him. He would've wanted me to go off on him, call him names, tell him that I hate him. When I told him that my classmates despised him, he was grinning ecstatically, as if he were having an orgasm. So I realized being angry&calling vile names was NOT the way to go. After all, how would a tenured prof handle being compared to a tantrum-throwing toddler, then being wished happiness&God's blessings in his life? It's confusing.

they do try and come back even after you can say anything you want to them it makes zero diffrence and heres my take on why , i think it has to do with the way the narc sees everyone like himself , he finds it ipossible to see you as a seperate person , when the narc says terrible things to you its not based in any emotion its just words that gets him controle at that moment in time and when that time has passed the words have passed .. seriously, sometimes my narc completly forgot what he had said and even looked suprised he had said something .So it is natural to think that the narc thinks what we say good or bad is coming from the same place as him ie not emotional and meaningless ... The other reason i believe is his fear of abandonment is what drives him so the fear of loosing supply out weighs anything you can say . I have an exsample i said to him "fuck off i hate you you make me sick , i want you dead , i never what to see you again " .. he said " what do you want for dinner ?".....they live in la la land and there is no fighting them ..... I long since learnt it dosnt matter what i say to him he dosnt go away .. it is us that has to leave .

I said the most unimaginable and vile things to him-including I hope you die from a heroin overdose(he is 11 years sober.). Yeah,I know -pretty vicious. I hate that man. That was last August And he came back 2 times after that- the last planning to buy ring and propose. I am telling you that any deplorable word you say to them does not affect them in any shape or form. They feel nothing but fear and rage- no hurt feelings. I hope you aren't secretly wanting him to come back. I used to. Not anymore.

Okay, I have a question...why does it always seem like when they come back, everything has been going well for them? Where's the Karma? They use and abuse and then it always seems like they move on without a care in the world...will it come back to them ever?