Hello, I'm new :) And I wanted to start by saying thank you and I'm sorry

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#1 Nov 15 - 7AM

Ava

Hello, I'm new :) And I wanted to start by saying thank you and I'm sorry

Hiya, I've been visiting this site for a good few weeks & I can't express how wonderful it has been to find this forum. I have been amazed in so many ways - the love, support, understanding and genuine caring you all show each other - and this is what I want to thank you for - just for being here, existing and being yourselves. And for letting me join [!] What I wanted to apologise for was reading the posts and comments on here for so long & getting so much from it....I know it may sound stupid but I feel a little as if I've been eavesdropping & I am sorry for that.
I haven't posted my story yet & I was going to wait to do that first before I posted anything else, but I'm finding myself taking too long to write it all out & I didn't want to keep putting off joining. I've been in massive self-induced isolation for a long while & I'm really trying to push myself to get out of it!
In a nutshell, I'm almost a year out of a 5 year defacto relationship with [what I know now] was a textbook narc. I've spent the last 10 months or so reading, researching, processing & journalling & he ticks almost all the boxes & I tick almost all the boxes with regards to my own feelings, experience & reaction. The relationship ended when I found out he was cheating, confronted him, he went on a rampage of rage, controlling, blame, guilt, sobbing & begging me not to leave, vowing to do anything to save our relationship....then he went to work & simply never came home - disappeared off the face of the earth until he rang me about 2 months later from another city to say "hi, how are ya?" like nothing had happened.
I've found out so much about him, his "real" character & his real history since then that I'm finally starting to get to a point where I feel I may just have dodged a bullet [!!]. But I also feel I'm only just starting to focus my attention on myself [and not obsessing about him]. And this is another reason why I am so in love with this forum. I've had several friends criticising me, belitting me, telling me I'm weak & selfish because I "refuse" to "just get over it." And there's none of that here. You all know what its like.
I've become a bit more wordy that I thought I would. Honestly - I did just want to start by saying thank you. Thank you all for being so strong, wonderful, inspirational and supportive to each other. Even without joining in, its made me feel like I haven't been alone.
Thank you x

#2 Nov 16 - 8AM

fooled no longer

welcome and I just made you

welcome and I just made you a cup of virtual coffee. Never apologise that you lost your voice. The trauma that we fell is on so many levels and so deep. It can take years of try to make any sense of it, until like some who have been here much longer you realise. It will never make sense they are FREAKS. You will find comfort here. I have.

#3 Nov 16 - 11PM (Reply to #37)

Ava

Hiya fooled no longer :)

Thank you so much for your lovely welcome :) And thank you for my cup of virtual coffee. I love it! And I'm drinking it right now....and you made it just the way I drink it :) Thank you for reassuring me that losing my voice is not an awful or unusual thing. I'm still slowly realising how so much of this experience truly is trauma. And I'm slowly & truly coming to see how right you are.... there really is no making sense. Thank you so much Ava xx

Ava

#4 Nov 15 - 11PM

ClusterF

Ava

Truly no need to apologize. I lurked here for a while simply absorbing the information. My story is so bizarre I was afraid to post anything. The community was a little different as well but it has evolved into a real sanctuary of shared pain, understanding, protection and a lot of laughter. There is good advice and a TON of validation. Glad you posted and hope this forum gives you hope. It truly helped save my sanity and after we reconstruct, it gives us the opportunity to help others. Welcome.

#5 Nov 16 - 6PM (Reply to #35)

Ava

Hiya ClusterF :)

Thank you so much for your welcome :) And for your reassurances that my sitting outside looking in wasn't a bad thing :) This forum certainly has given me hope & I'm so glad to have posted - I've felt an absolute ton of validation, understanding & protection already & in the last day since posting I've felt such a knot of anxiety & fear already starting to unravel. It truly is wonderful! Thank you again so much, Ava x

Ava

#6 Nov 15 - 7PM

helldweller

Ava

You have come to the right place. A year ago I was suicidal. For four years, trapped. Or so I thought. This is a process. Be gentle, take time. Read everything. Take a lot of bubble baths. Watch a lot of movies you like. If you can handle it, spend time with the kind of people you want around you. If you can't, hole up and do your nails and drink tea and write, write, write everything you can. This site works miracles every day.

#7 Nov 16 - 3PM (Reply to #33)

Ava

Hiya helldweller :)

Thank you so much for your welcome :) And thank you for your reassurances that its actually ok to be taking time & holing myself up [with many, many bubble baths!] I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through so much absolute & utter hell. Through your posts you strike me as such an amazing, courageous person with a beautiful heart - to be where you are now, only a year after being suicidal, shows what outstanding strength you have. Thank you again :) Ava x

Ava

#8 Nov 15 - 6PM

almostlydia

Welcome Ava. It is a

Welcome Ava. It is a Godsend to find this refuge. It took forever to write my story as well, do not fret over it, take your time. It is a purging of the soul. How difficult it was for me to write 10 yrs of hell in a few paragraphs. Today is the day one year ago I reconciled with the N for the last time ever. The only reason I remember is because it was the anniversary of my dearest friend's death and he got to me again at the cemetery on this day. It was long before I knew what I know now thanks to this place. I knew today when I was at the cemetery that that would never happen again. This place validated my sanity and I don't think there are words big enough to describe the thanks in that. Welcome here. We are all at different places in this experience and none of them of easy but having those who know and understand goes beyond words. almostlydia

almostlydia

#9 Nov 16 - 7AM (Reply to #29)

Ava

Hiya almostlydia :)

Thank you so much for your welcome :) And thank you for your encouragement & reassurance not to fret over the things I can & can't do & to take my time. I am so sorry that today is such an anniversary for you. And I'm sorry that your N was so excruciatingly low to use such an occasion to get to you. I hope sometime soon that this date will turn back into being an anniversary & remembrance of your dear friend and not a day that the N can even enter your mind. My thoughts are with you today xx Ava

Ava

#10 Nov 16 - 9AM (Reply to #30)

almostlydia

Thanks, Ava. It was a

Thanks, Ava. It was a peaceful day overall and sometimes that is everything:) almostlydia

almostlydia

#11 Nov 16 - 11PM (Reply to #31)

Ava

I'm so glad almostlydia that you were able to have

a peaceful day. You deserve so much & I am so happy that you had peace on this day. Ava xx

Ava

#12 Nov 15 - 6PM

truthseeker

Welcome Ava

I cried reading your post. This site is such a Godsend. I too devoured before I posted. You'll laugh, cry and get angry with us. I have learned so much. And I agree, I see narcs everywhere now. It's so comforting to find out everything we go through is a normal part of the healing process. I isolated for a VERY long time also. So glad you are here.

#13 Nov 16 - 6AM (Reply to #27)

Ava

Hiya truthseeker :)

Thank you for your welcome :) I'm so glad I'm here. And I been crying reading all your responses to my post! You're right, this site is a Godsend & I'm looking forward to laughing, crying & getting angry with you all!! Not so isolated anymore! Not at all! Its a lovely feeling. Thank you so much :) Ava xx

Ava

#14 Nov 15 - 3PM

Briseis

Ava :)

Welcome home :) You aren't alone at all. I live in hope that more and more of these sorts of forums crop up and grow so that no one who finds themselves in such a relationship has to live a moment feeling alone. Your experience and hope are very much needed here. Jump right in, no question is "stupid", no comment you make to another member is too insignificant to post. I don't know if one of the other mods have posted our welcome message to you or not, so here goes: Welcome Ava :) Thank you for joining our community. Please take some time to read through the Blog, Shared Stories, Abbreviations, and Forum Guidelines here on AAH. It is vital for you to understand what our forum is about and gain insight into how the board operates before posting for the first time. We also encourage you to take time to read the articles and posts here. Read as much as you can on the topic. Knowledge is power! Understanding the personality disordered individual (PDI) or narcissist in your life is vital to your recovery. No one knows what it's like to try to love a PDI unless they have been through it themselves. We're glad you found us. You should find comfort in knowing that you are not alone, not at fault and most definitely not crazy. All of us here have shared similar experiences at the hands of the PDIs. We are all at different stages in the recovery process and our main mission is to help and support one another with compassion, love and respect. Please understand that this forum is not a replacement for therapy in any way. We all have endured serious emotional trauma from past events and abusive treatment at the hands of the personality disordered. Therefore, we feel it is a personal responsibility for each of us to seek out a therapist that specializes in trauma. A qualified mental health professional is best to help you through this difficult time right now. However, please know, we are always here for you as a supplement to your recovery program. Welcome to our family! Sincerely, Moderators for AAH (Lisa E. Scott, Betty2020, MsVulcan, Briseis)

#15 Nov 16 - 6AM (Reply to #24)

Ava

Hiya Briseis :)

Thank you for your lovely welcome & your opening statement bought tears to my eyes. I am really starting to realise that I am feeling so much relief right now & do feel like I am at home :) And thank you for the encouragement to jump in & your reassurance that no question or comment is stupid or insignificant. I have been sitting on sidelines worrying about my contribution for a while & am now really looking forward to joining in! :) Thank you again ever so much, Ava xx

Ava

#16 Nov 16 - 9AM (Reply to #25)

blueeyes

Ava..:)

Briseis will make you tear up a few more times..lol..In a VERY GOOD tears kind of way. She has such wisdom and grace. She has made me cry tears of joy a thousand times. Now, she makes me smile. I do not think I could EVER stop learning from Briseis. I love ya!

#17 Nov 15 - 10AM

Playedwithfire

Greeting Ava

We have all been there and being here is right where you need to be. I encourage you as well to read as much as you can, post when you want and take your time. These women have so much knowledge and we are here to help and give stregnth! One foot in front of the other, you are healing! (((Ava))) Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

#18 Nov 15 - 10PM (Reply to #22)

Ava

Hi Playedwithfire :)

and thank you so much for your welcome & encouragement :) I certainly do feel this is right where I need to be & I'm felt a giant kick of strength from this first post & all your replies already!! And thank you for reassuring me that I actually am healing - I've had so many days where I wonder if I'm just stuck & will never get there! Thank you, Ava x

Ava

#19 Nov 15 - 10AM

betty2020

Hi Ava! Welcome to AAH. I

Hi Ava! Welcome to AAH. I am so happy that you have made the decision to start posting and sharing your story. This is a new beginning for you. I spent 3 months locked away in seclusion before I began to reach out. I know the difficult days and nights you have had just trying to get to the point of being able to speak about what has happened to you. I am so glad you have made it to us. This is your sanctuary and will always be your safe house from this point forward. Dont worry to much about writing your story. That can come later when you have the strength to do this. It will become apparent when the time is right. For now, stay close to your friends here that know and understand what you have been through. Although the details may be a little different, our stories are the same. Loving and leaving a PDI (personality disordered individual) is something that only those who have walked in your shoes could ever understand. For this reason it is best go easy on others in your life that may seem less compassionate to your plight. They can not understand and this is why we are here. Be patient and kind to yourself through this time. This is a journey filled with great rewards but its a process of baby steps. Sometimes we fall, but we get back up and move on. Welcome to our family and know we are all here to help you as you move forward in recovery. xoxo Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#20 Nov 15 - 10PM (Reply to #20)

Ava

Hi Betty & thank you for your lovely welcome :)

You're so right; I really do feel like this is a big step & a new beginning for me. And since posting & receiving so much wonderful support & understanding right away, I feel like a big ball of anxiety is lifting off my shoulders already! I feel like I've been becoming more & more withdrawn as people around me are losing patience & are getting offended that I've become so secluded. I've felt guilty for not being able to "cope better" and your reassurances & understanding have brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. I'm so happy that I've have found you :) Ava xxAva

Ava

#21 Nov 15 - 9AM

betty2020

Welcome Ava, Thank you for

Welcome Ava, Thank you for joining our community. Please take some time to read through the Blog, Shared Stories, Abbreviations, and Forum Guidelines here on AAH. It is vital for you to understand what our forum is about and gain insight into how the board operates before posting for the first time. We also encourage you to take time to read the articles and posts here. Read as much as you can on the topic. Knowledge is power! Understanding the personality disordered individual (PDI) or narcissist in your life is vital to your recovery. No one knows what it's like to try to love a PDI unless they have been through it themselves. We're glad you found us. You should find comfort in knowing that you are not alone, not at fault and most definitely not crazy. All of us here have shared similar experiences at the hands of the PDIs. We are all at different stages in the recovery process and our main mission is to help and support one another with compassion, love and respect. Please understand that this forum is not a replacement for therapy in any way. We all have endured serious emotional trauma from past events and abusive treatment at the hands of the personality disordered. Therefore, we feel it is a personal responsibility for each of us to seek out a therapist that specializes in trauma. A qualified mental health professional is best to help you through this difficult time right now. However, please know, we are always here for you as a supplement to your recovery program. Welcome to our family! Sincerely, Moderators for AAH only one way to go...Forward (tm?) only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#22 Nov 15 - 8AM

terri

Welcome Ava

So glad that you found this. Isn't it a wonderful feeling to finally understand what is really going on?! Like you, I came and read for weeks before finally joining in the conversation and after several months here, I still haven't posted my entire story with full details. I think I'm still coming to terms with what a destructive force it has been in my life and how it has turned me into someone I hardly recognize. I struggle every day with trying to get back to the woman I once was and I read many other posts that say I'm certainly not alone here in that regard. When you are ready to start opening up here, you'll find that it is very healing to get it out. And the women (and couple of men) here are wonderfully supportive and understanding. One big win for you that you found us and a great positive step in the right direction. Many more will follow from here on!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#23 Nov 15 - 9AM (Reply to #17)

Ava

Hiya Terri

& thank you for your welcome :) And you are so right, it is a wonderful feeling to finally start understanding things! And to start understanding all the feelings & reactions I'm having [rather than just trying to understand him]. And thank you for reassuring me that its not strange for me to be struggling to post & write my story. Every day I realising more & more that there are so many similarities with the NPDs we deal with & how a lot of us respond to it all. I'm trying to start myself on the the positive change & experience in it all now but in the months after the "break-up" [not really sure it can even be called that!] I crashed hard & spent a long time behaving, thinking & feeling like someone I didn't recognise at all. And the struggle you describe, that's where I am too & I'm learning how right you are - it certainly is something almost everyone seems to be battling. Its amazing how much these narcs can truly strip us entirely, usually without us even really noticing until its too late. Thank you again & best wishes! Ava x

Ava

#24 Nov 15 - 8AM

Disillusionedx2

Welcome to the board Ava

No apologies necessary here, post your story when you feel ready, I haven't posted mine as of yet because when I read it, ugh, it makes me sick to the stomach, but you definitely have come to the right place, the support is phenomenal, your friends will never understand, never, unless they have experienced it themselves, focus on yourself as you have been you can always find new "friends" doesn't sound as though those people meet the criteria, as far as he goes, not surprised, this is what they do, you definitely dodged a bullet, don't allow him to reload, you deserve better, best wishes. stay~striving

stay~strong

#25 Nov 15 - 9AM (Reply to #15)

Ava

Hiya Disillusionedx2

& thank you for your welcome :) I agree with you entirely re. the sick to the stomach feeling. I've found myself able to write a lot in recent months about how I'm feeling & how it all ended but writing about the relationship when it was "great" [ha] & seeing it without the giant blinkers I had is still something that makes me feel, well, you said it - ugh. And thank you for your good advice re. friends - I did spend a while before I really started researching thinking that maybe they were right & I was just weak but I'm starting to trust myself more now, esp. after I've learned so much & heard stories of so many strong women on this board going through similar feelings :) And not letting him reload. Its actually starting to feel really good that I'm realising I really don't want him in my life after spending so long & so much energy praying he'd come back somehow. Thanks again x Ava

Ava

#26 Nov 15 - 8AM

blueeyes

Dear Ava

Welcome. I feel terrible everytime a new member joins. At the same time I feel happy that you found this site. Theses woman have been a lifesaver for my recovery. I have millions of questions and I always get the most wonderful answers. As for writing your story? I was a member posting for weeks and I still couldn't write my story. I had a blockage of some sort. I finally devoted a Saturday to sit and type. Now, I look at my story and feel it was a pissy rant of events. Also, I LEFT SO MANY things out! I want to revamp it terribly but I have another blockage :(...Take your time to write your story. Write it in shifts or when the mood stikes you. It's important to get it out. Not to say it doesn't hurt to admit that your feeling stupid that YOU could even PUT UP with a person so toxic. It's not your fault. These men are attreacted to the most intelligent and sucessful woman. By no means have I recovered form the abuse, but I know what direction my life will take :) I can tell you that reading Lisa Scott's book and posting my questions have added to my recovering. I ask you to ask questions and read all you can. The emotional roller coaster is hell on earth. The end result (recovery) is worth the pain. At least that's waht I hear.

#27 Nov 15 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

Ava

.

Ava

#28 Nov 15 - 8AM (Reply to #12)

Ava

Hiya Blueeyes

& thank you for your welcome reply :) I understand what you mean about feeling terrible seeing more & more members join. When I first started researching I was blown away by the sheer number of people with similar stories and a hell of a lot worse stories. Please though don't feel anything but happy that I'm here. And I don't mean that to sound pig-headed [!], I just mean that this forum has been one of the most positive things for me in the last month or so & joining today, even though I was so tentative, is now making me do nothing but feel even more positive :) x And oh my, how you've described your feelings re. writing story is exactly how I've been feeling. And thank you for reassuring me that I'm not to blame or at fault - these are two things that do still raise their ugly heads every now & again. I've Lisa's book on order & looking forward to reading it. And I'm starting to believe the end results are worth it - this all has made me realise how unhappy & unhealthy I was before I met the narc & how & why I let him in.... Thanks again! Ava x

Ava

#29 Nov 15 - 8AM (Reply to #10)

blueeyes

Also...

Seeing Narc's everywhere is another normal phase. Our radar seems to peak in the beginning. This is a useful tool for the future. XOXO

#30 Nov 16 - 11PM (Reply to #11)

Ava

Thanks blueeyes

That's actually a huge relief!! :) I thought I was just getting paranoid & overreacting. I'm well on the way to thinking my sister is a narc.... Explains a lot for me & making me think maybe that's part of the reason why I missed or ignored so many red flags with my exN.... Hmmm. I'm going to think more on this now & see if I can hone my tool ! Rather than ignoring & calling myself paranoid!! Ava xx

Ava

#31 Nov 15 - 7AM

michele115 (not verified)

Don't Apologize

Welcome...you've come to the right place...I have some errands to run, but I look forward to communicating with you more... Very sorry to hear how the Narc left - it is traumatic... I do agree, this board is a lifesaver, and no - not many understand the dynamics of how dysfunctional a relationship with a Narc can be. Once you become more aware and learn more, you may even begin to see some characteristics in friends...lots of us are now in the weeding out of "friends" stage as well. You are not feeling anything that is unfamiliar to us... So happy you found this board - it really is a beautiful place. TTYL Hugs!

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