So, about my husband

Of course, he's full of apologies today. I'm so sorry, Better Off. You deserve so much more. You know, you gave him a reason to drink yesterday. I mean, that's how he looks at it. You, yourself, did NOT give him a reason, but that's how he justifies it to himself. What do you plan to do next? He's toxic!

Hello all, Ghostbuster raises an important question which I have been pondering for myself for a long time and that is "why are we attracted to them?" Well, of course there is the "charming" part.....who wouldn't fall for that? And the idealization...who wouldn't want that? We are so "Special" and they make us believe that more than anyone else has. Of course this attracts our own needs to be special and loved and valued, which again, is normal. But probably a bit affected, at least in my Own case, by insecurities which make me Need to feel special and given such treatment. Finally! A man who truly appreciates me for who I am! LOL I am speaking only for myself, but would be very interested in others' opinions and views. This is very hard for me to admit. But as I look back I think a large part of my huge attraction to him and my blindness to the N traits was that deep inside, I was looking and hoping for Prince Charming. And Charming he was. I thought all my prayers and needs had been answered. I felt worthy because HE judged me worthy. I must be ok, then, right? What a wonderful redemption from my own self-doubts and fears. HE finds me wonderful, so perhaps I am?? As I process and go through this I begin to realize, with shame and regret, that there were truly parts of ME missing and that subconsiously I wished him to make me whole, to take "care" of me. And he seemed so willing and able to do so at the time, and actually, for quite awhile after that. I felt so understood, so valued, so "seen" as the "wonderful person I am" . As a result I continued to rely on his approval and acceptance and quit developing ME. It soothed me, it made me feel protected, it seemed unconditional. But....as the saying goes, there's no free lunch. Expecting unconditional love is only for children from their parents. Adults are different creatures. So....the point for me is that I realize now and I hope this will help me in my future, that I too was at fault. For expecting too much, for being too dependent. This last one is hard because we all have times in our lives when we ARE dependent, because of life circumstances, because of personal issues that we try to deal with but aren't so succesfull, simply because life is Hard sometimes and we All need someone to "cover our backs" once in awhile. We rely on our nearest and dearest to do this when needed. I guess that's only human. But when it gets out of whack, when it is too distorted one way or the other is where we find ourselves in trouble. At least for me. I feel that this happened in my marriage. The hard part is that I didn't know how or wasn't capable of helping myself much. I disintegrated. Then, of course, he didn't "respect me" anymore. And there's a part of me that understands this. How do we draw the line and understand for ourselves what was "reasonable" or should be expected as support from an important relationship? Such a hard question and not one that I have the answer to right now. It's just that as time goes by I find Myself thinking more and more that I must be strong For Myself. That I must find the answers to my own emotional problems Myself, that turning too much to someone else is a relationship killer, whether it be with spouse, SO, or friends and family. People do get "burnt out". Even the best of us. But what's so difficult for me to figure out is where is that line crossed? I would have hoped that after 21 years of marriage, most of it good, he would have given me more support during my own bad times, even though I do know it was "taxing" on him as well. Sometimes we just aren't ABLE to give all we would like to someone else because our own issues are consuming us. On the other hand, it is so scary to confront taking care of myself by myself entirely. Maybe even the little tokens I got from him were better than this. I honestly don't know. Sometimes I feel this way and other times I feel like "Fuck Him!" He could have hung in there through a couple of years with me and supported me when I couldn't do it for myself. I do know I would have done it for him Any thoughts would be very greatly appreciated. CM