Narcissist Recovery Blog

The Importance of Perspective in Recovery

I’m following up on the note below, which our fearless Lead Moderator, Goldie, wrote to all of you yesterday because it really reminded me of why we must always PUT THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE when recovering.

"The site has been down for several days due to the devastation which took place in NYC and the surrounding area's due to Hurricane Sandy.Our web designer has been working around the clock to assure that nothing was lost and our site remains safe and secure.Our hearts go out to all who have been affected by this force of nature and we keep them all in our prayers as they recover from tremendous loss and begin the process of rebuilding their lives and homes.

Puts it all into perspective when something like this happens.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Narcissist of the Worst Kind!

Have this man no shame?! Has he not done enough damage to Maria Shriver and their children that he must now write a tell-all book to feed his pathetic addiction to attention and publicity?

Talk about a Narc of the worst-kind! Arnold is so desparate to be in the spotlight that he has now written a book telling all the details of how he fathered a child with the family housekeeper!

He recently appeared on 60 Minutes for an interview. How unbelievably mortifying for his family! He is clearly a raging psychopath who puts his insatiable need for attention before that of his own children's humility.

Why We Must 'Get Real, Wake Up and Heal' to Recover from the Narcissist

Loving someone who cannot return your love is agonizing and difficult to accept. However, the knowledge that no matter what you do, this person will never change is quite powerful, in my opinion. Once you understand this fundamental truth and accept it, a whole new world opens up to you. Your newfound knowledge should be liberating.

Obsessing about the Narcissist

Facebook tracking him, keeps you hooked.

We have all done it so don't beat yourself, however, the truth of the matter is the longer you feed that wolf, the longer you will struggle with your feelings of bruised ego and of course you continuously get retriggered when you see something new and engage in HIS life or his "people's lives" vicariously.

Breaking NC by proxy; IS BREAKING NC and Keeping the BUZZ ALIVE.

Breaking NC by proxy; IS BREAKING NC and Keeping the BUZZ ALIVE.

Same as when a Narc hoovers by proxy; no difference.

These unhealthy relationships are NOT just about what the NARCS do, they are about what we continue to do to torture ourselves, keep the buzz alive, and remain in an Unhealthy state of mind and being.

It is common for some to continue to engage in intrique regarding the Narc, to "hang out" with people you had in common or places you had in common, or to stalk his Facebook or other sites he frequents. Driveby's where he may be "hanging out" or where he lives or OW house, ect....

It is still head tripping about the Narc.

The mind plays tricks on us trying to keep our addiction and connection to the Narc alive.

Who Really Benefits From Doubt?

We spend a lot of time in our relationships with a PDI giving them the benefit of the doubt. During the idealization stage we don't even consider doubting that they aren't really enjoying their time with us because during the laughter, the passion, the deep talks and sharing of ideas, smiles light up both our faces.

When they want to spend all their free time with us, we don’t doubt it could be anything but the real thing - a true connection, so perfect in its mirrored beauty.

Grieving and Letting Go

In answer to a member out 4 months (NC) and feeling intense sadness and wanting to die.

You are grieving

Real grieving does not even begin until the cognitive dissonance die's down. This is why it seems to take so long to recover from a PD.

Depending on how long you stay in c/d determines when the real inner work and grieving begins.

A necessary step in letting go and eventually moving on.

We are not taught how or encourged to grieve in this society.

Especially when it is over someone deemed to be unhealthy or bad for us.

Many tell us that we are lucky to be done with them. Find someone better. He was a sicko anyways, ect.

So we often feel almost guilty to grieve. Ashamed for grieving a bad man.

Do Narcissists choose to be hurtful? How do I stop feeling sorry for the Narcissist?

You may feel sorry for whoever you want to feel sorry for

This is your choice.

If you want to feel sorry for the drug addict who steals all your money and then there is no food for the baby or mortgage money, this is your call.

Drug addiction is considered a sickness.

If you want to feel sorry for Charles Manson who had a mother who was a prostitute and abandoned him as a child and he went on to kill and orchestrate murder, then please do.

Of course PD's are a sickness, a disorder and of course someone does not choose this,

So if you want to feel sorry for someone who lie's, cheats, manipulatates, and uses people, then please do.

This is your choice.

Please Share Eve Ensler's Letter to Todd Akin

More than 30,000 pregnancies are attributable to rape every year. I hope women realize that Mr. Akin's platform is the exact same platform as the Romney/Ryan Ticket and the Grand Old Party itself. There is nothing grand about that. Old, archaic and ignorant, YES, but not grand.

Dear Todd Akin,

I am writing to you tonight about rape. It is 2 AM and I am unable to sleep here in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I am in Bukavu at the City of Joy to serve and support and work with hundreds, thousands of women who have been raped and violated and tortured from this ceaseless war for minerals fought on their bodies.

The scar...

There is a scar on my back in the shape of a butterfly. I never look at it. But if it’s summertime, and depending on what I’m wearing, when I sit down I know others can see the tips of its wings—poised but never taking flight. Stuck. Frozen in time from the moment it was created.

I dread when somebody asks about it. I’ve yet to come up with a truthful explanation. The truth is horrible, ridiculous really...and I don’t want to admit it to anyone. So I gloss it over.

They say butterflies are free, but this one is my captive, my prisoner, a self-inflicted wound that reminds me of my own captivity. A silent testament to my naivete, my weakness, my blindness, my blinding mistake.

All about sex

This is by Guest Blogger Portia:

Yesterday many of us responded to a post from a very confused member, who was worried that she may have misjudged a complete jerk by calling him a N, and she wondered "what if he's not" and she completely excused his vile behavior, and made up excuses to forgive him for all of it because she really liked "being up on that pedastal". This post had it all, Denial, Cognitive Dissonance, Self-blame, Obligatory Sex, thinking a relationship would evolve if sex was provided, unrealistic expectations.

Narcs LOVE to blame and make YOU look bad

Narcs LOVE to blame and make YOU look bad.

IN fact if they have YOU thinking YOU are the crazy one; it's an added bonus to them.

Once the honeymoon faze is over and they can see you "catching" on to them; then it is all about blaming YOU and having OTHERS think you are crazy as well.

Just another day in Narcville.

The details may vary; yet the game and intent is always the same.

Takes the focus off of them and if YOU think it is your fault then my goodness you may just take them back and go a few more rounds.